Republican Presidential Candidates and Their Sports World Equivalents

For the sports fan who isn’t much of a civics fan.

Donald Trump = Skip Bayless

These orange-haired troll men are loudly and unapologetically wrong about almost everything. They are embarrassments to professions (politics/journalism) that are supposed to be noble pursuits, yet have long been stains on America. Amazingly, these disgraces are somehow able to bring shame even to their shameless professions. Despite all this, millions of people can’t make themselves look away from the yammering buffoons and sit waiting to see what idiocy will come out of their stupid faces next. And so America may never be free of these men.

Jeb Bush = Peyton Manning

The chosen son of a dynastic family, Jeb and Peyton have somehow been less successful than their idiot brothers. It could be because, despite their prodigious talents, both are prone to untimely gaffes/interceptions.

Dr. Ben Carson = Tiger Woods

Dr. Ben Carson and Tiger Woods stand out in a profession primarily filled by white men. Also, Carson has approximately the same chance of winning the nomination next year as Woods does of winning the Grand Slam next year.

Chris Christie = Andy Reid

Both men still hold out hope for greatness, seemingly unaware that their window has long since closed. Both men are now mostly despised by those who initially supported them (New Jersey voters/Eagles fans). Both men wear size Husky slacks.

Ted Cruz = A.J. Pierzynski

No matter if you like Cruz’s politics or root for Pierzynski’s team, it’s impossible to deny that both men have among the most punchable faces ever created.

Mike Huckabee = a team mascot

At first they seem approachable and lovable. But the closer you get, the more you realize that they’re actually horrifying, smelly monsters who hold nothing but hatred for those who don’t root for exactly the same things.

John Kasich = Andy Dalton

Kasich and Dalton have both become Ohio institutions, for better or worse. They’re not terrible. But they’re far from great. If you can’t do any better, they’ll do. But settling for them is kind of depressing.

Rand Paul = Rob Ryan

This guy probably wouldn’t have a career if it wasn’t for his dad. And what’s the deal with the hair?

Marco Rubio = Johnny Manziel

A lot of people were high on their futures. But they were derailed by drinking problems.

Scott Walker = Bo Ryan

Both have forged their careers in Wisconsin. Both have very conservative styles. Both are said to be assholes by their critics.

Lindsay Graham = Steve Spurrier

Lindsay Graham, like Steve Spurrier, is Southern to his bones. And Lindsay Graham, like Steve Spurrier, has no chance of finding success in Washington.

Bobby Jindal = Les Miles

Bobby Jindal has the top job in the state of Louisiana and has had some success, but oftentimes says and does things that make you wonder if he is mentally deficient. Wait, no. That’s Les Miles. Jindal is the one with the second-most important job in Lousiana.

Rick Perry = Jerry Jones

Both men are proof that everything is bigger in Texas, especially the capability of morons to achieve positions of power.