Rex Ryan Offers Roster Spot to Anyone Who Punches Bill Belichick in the Dick

BUFFALO — Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan today said there is a roster spot waiting for any Patriots player who punches New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick “as hard as they can, square in the dick.”

The generous opportunity comes on the heels of Ryan signing IK Enemkpali one day after the backup linebacker broke the jaw of Jets quarterback Geno Smith with a punch and was released.

“I want all the players in the NFL to know that the Bills will offer you safe harbor if you kick the shit out of someone important from an organization that I hate,” Ryan said. “Your career won’t be over. Once you get released, I will snap you right up as an act of gratitude. I promise.”

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Ryan said that while he’d prefer the person who punches Belichick in the dick to be a Patriots player who can offer some upside on the field with the Bills, he is willing to offer a roster spot to absolutely anyone who dick-punches his coaching nemesis.

“If you’re just some random guy who sees Belichick in the supermarket or whatever and has a chance to uppercut him right in the nuts, fire away, man,” said Ryan. “Do it. I’ll give you a roster spot even if you never played football in your life. I’m serious. In fact, I’ve never been more serious about anything.”

Sources close to the Patriots say third-string quarterback Ryan Lindley is seriously considering dick-punching Belichick so he can sign with the Bills and easily win the starting quarterback job.

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