Sepp Blatter Forced to Give All Bribe Money to Charity During 90-Day FIFA Suspension

ZURICH — FIFA president Sepp Blatter has been handed a provisional 90-day ban the the organization’s disciplinary arm in the wake of numerous investigations into corruption under his watch. Blatter will continue getting paid during his suspension, but must turn over all bribe payments.

That mandate, according to sources closes to Blatter, is where he will really feel the pain of the punishment.

“As far as not having to go into work for 90 days, that’s kind of nice,” said one of Blatter’s money laundering staffers. “He has homes all over the world he can go vacation in and relax at. But the bribe money is how he affords his lifestyle. He’s not happy at all.”

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Blatter earns approximately $6 million per year from FIFA, but he makes 20 times that each year through cash bribes and gifts. In fact, his actual annual income put him 13th this year on Illegal Fortune magazine’s Richest and Most Corrupt Men list.

“Bribes are his primary income. This isn’t fair,” said a close friend, who said Blatter gives him expensive international goods illegally smuggled from third-world countries as gifts. “His entire diet is based on the meat of endangered tigers. How is he supposed to afford that now?”

While the disgraced FIFA chief is faced with tightening his purse strings for three months, he is also working behind the scenes to ease the punishment.

“He has a few million in the bank and he’s working on figuring out who he needs to bribe at FIFA to get his bribe money coming,” said a source. “He’s not ready to believe yet that FIFA has truly given up its principles.”

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