Still-Jobless Chip Kelly Starting to Wonder If NFL Teams Have Forgotten He’s a Genius

PHILADELPHIA — As the remaining open NFL head coaching jobs dwindle away, former Philadelphia Eagles coach Chip Kelly says he is starting to wonder if he is so intellectually superior to everyone else that he’s the only one who remembers that he is an unmatched football genius.

“How have I not been offered one job yet, let alone all of the jobs,” said Kelly, who was fired by the Eagles with one week left in the regular season. “The only explanation is that the GMs are too intimidated by me to bring me on, or they’re just too dumb to recognize pure genius when they see it.”

The Dolphins, Browns and Giants have all settled on new head coaches, while the 49ers, Titans, Buccaneers and Eagles jobs are still open. But only San Francisco met with Kelly and they’re reportedly considering Mike Shanahan for the job.

“Mike Shanahan? Mike Shanahan?” said Kelly. “It’s insulting to even be in the same sentence as him. It’s like comparing the music of Mozart to someone with chronic flatulence. Mike Shanahan hasn’t been relevant since the 1990s when I reinvented the sport of football at the University of New Hampshire. And let’s be real for a minute: should a person of color like Shanahan really be leading an NFL team?”

The former Eagles coach also expressed that he simply can’t fathom why the Titans haven’t hired him so he can reunite with Marcus Mariota, his former quarterback at Oregon.

“Did they not see how I used my unmatched wisdom to make the Eagles into an unparalleled force that went 26–22?” said Kelly. “Twenty-six wins in three years would be one of the greatest eras in Titans history. It’s a no-brainer.”

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