The 13 Worst (Real) Thoroughbred Names in Kentucky Derby History
If you’re going to whip an animal all day, I guess give it a stupid name, too.
Gold Shower (1943)
Sure, you can say this horse’s name didn’t have the same meaning in the ’40s because back then there was nothing called a “golden shower.” But then what would you call what we did to the Axis powers?
Woooooo! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Black Servant (1921)
Oh, olden days. Such a simpler time. And an incredibly more racist time. Black Servant was foaled at Idle Hour Stock Farm in Kentucky. Weird. I assumed 1920s Kentucky was far more progressive.
The Cock (1916)
The Cock only managed to place sixth at the 1916 Kentucky Derby. Probably because he had to lug around all that extra weight.
The Winner (1896)
The Winner finished second-to-last at the 1896 Derby. Whoops. But “The Winner” is definitely a better name than “Second-to-Last.”
Execution’s Reason (1980)
When a horse is injured, it is often killed immediately. What a swell sport! Apparently this horse’s owner wanted to remind him of that reality. “Just give us a reason, horse. Try us. We will end you.”
Gay Bit (1944)
Another name from a different era. Gay Bit would have been a better name for 2002 Kentucky Derby winner War Emblem who, when his owners attempted to breed him, showed no interest in mares. True story. War Emblem probably wishes he raced during the era of The Cock.
Ha-ha, horse. You’re a big animal with a small brain. Dummy. You’re so dumb you can’t even do anything about us calling you Dunce, you dunce.
The Quasimodo from Victor Hugo’s novel is a physically deformed hunchback who is covered in warts. Apparently this horse reminded its owners of such a beast. You may be shocked to know that Quasimodo finished dead-last in the 13-horse Kentucky Derby of 1934.
Degenerate Jon (1980)
Other possible names this horse’s owners considered: Dipshit Pete, Asshole Kevin and Total Pervert Bill.
Air Forbes Won (1982)
Horse racing is most popular among older people. Perhaps because older people tend to love really awful puns.
Afternoon Deelites (1995)
Want to last longer while you’re fooling around some afternoon? Don’t think about baseball. Instead, think about having sex with this horse who came in 8th place at the 1995 Kentucky Derby.
Our Dad (1959)
Hey, so we have this horse. We’re going to put a saddle and reins on him, have someone sit on him, and then make him run around in circles while we whip him; then, if he wins any money, we’ll keep it all for ourselves. Let’s name the horse in honor of Pop!
Deeds Not Words (1997)
This is a great reminder for all the horses out there: Enough with all the talking! Shut up and just run! Especially you, Mr. Ed.
Originally published on SportsPickle