This is what it’s like to be a Vikings fan today and every other God forsaken day in this horrible sports universe


When you’re weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I’ll dry them all
I’m on your side, oh, when times get rough

Sports suck. Never sport. Friends don’t let their friends grow up as Minnesota sports fans.

A perfectly pleasant August afternoon was interrupted with screeching screams from across the country Tuesday afternoon — the screams of Teddy Bridgewater and every Vikings fan at once. Teddy was down with a gruesome leg injury. Teammates were either screaming or huddled on the sidelines praying. Always a good sign.

Nothing is official yet, but we Vikings fans already know. Teddy’s done. Our season is done. Our secret Super Bowl hopes are done. Teddy’s season is over and so is ours because we are the Vikings and this is what we do.

It’s who we are.

Blair Walsh ended last season for us. Teddy ends this one before it even started. Heck of a bookend to an offseason.

For any other set of fans in the league, this might be among the worst seven month stretches in franchise history.

For us? Just another year as Minnesota fans.


We have Karl-Anthony Towns now and Wiggins and Zach and Dunn and Thibs and Sano and Dozier and Parise. We have two beautiful new stadiums now that we’ve waited decades for, Target Field and U.S. Bank Stadium. We are set to open the new football stadium on national television on a Sunday night against the hated Packers in less than a month.

It was supposed to be different now. We were starting, just starting to believe.

But of course it’s not different. We can’t have nice things. We’re Minnesota.

At least in Game of Thrones, winter is coming.

In Minnesota, winter is just always here.

Always winter but never Christmas. Maybe CS Lewis was talking about us. Maybe sports are our White Witch.


So tomorrow we will have to move forward. We’ll have to play the inimitable Shaun Hill and find someone else to come in and back him up. The list of available free agents is pretty ugly.

Tarvaris “Oh God no not again” Jackson
Josh “Monday Night disaster” Freeman
Charlie “Interception Jesus” Whitehurst
Matt “I did have 6 TDs that one game” Flynn
Rex “My game is actually” Grossman
Johnny “Somewhere in rehab” Manziel
Tim “Probably running the rehab center” Tebow
Michael “Did somebody say rehab” Vick

It’s bad. It’s really bad. It’s really really bad.

Maybe a trade is in order. Let’s see who might be available…

Mark “Dirty” Sanchez, Denver
Josh “Somehow I’m the better” McCown, Cleveland
Colin “I won’t stand for this” Kaepernick, San Francisco
Nick “Ruined multiple franchises” Foles, Kansas City
Geno “Butt fumble” Smith, NY Jets

This is awful. This sucks.

Is it possible?

Could our best option seriously possibly be…….

(link)

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO


The thing you don’t get is how we are all reacting to this right now as Minnesota fans.

We’re not mad.

We’re not sad.

We’re just nothing. We’re numb. This is just what happens when you’re a Vikings fan. We don’t even expect the worst anymore.

We just wait for it to be over.

I’m watching Mike Zimmer’s press conference right now. He just compared today to the day his wife passed away. So yeah, this is good.

I’m getting text messages from my Viking fan friends. There are no swear words. There’s no denial, no bargaining.

There’s just acceptance.

This is what it means to be a sports fan. This is what we put ourselves through. This is Minnesota sports.

But hey. At least it will snow in a month.

And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water

If you enjoyed this, screw you, you awful human being.

Don’t click the because you enjoyed this. Click it because I need a hug. Follow me at @wheatonbrando for more sports nihilism. Visit the rest of my crap here.