UNC to Award Players with Three Credits in Net-Cutting if They Win National Title

HOUSTON — The North Carolina Tar Heels are just 40 minutes away from winning the program’s sixth national title, but university administrators are prepared to sweeten the pot for the players by offering credit towards their degree if the team cuts down the nets on Monday night.

In fact, UNC will give the players three credits for a special course named Celebratory Net-Cutting 405.

“Climbing up a ladder high above the ground and using a sharp tool to cut a single strand of net is a skill as difficult and delicate as performing ballet, in my opinion, and universities give academic credit for that,” said head coach Roy Williams. “I think they should get more than three credits, to be honest. And my players need more than three credits, too. I don’t think any of them are even close to being eligible academically for next season.”

The coach said the net-cutting course shows North Carolina is taking education seriously again.

“It would be easy for us to just make up fake courses again and have tutors do all the players’ work,” said Williams. “But we’re not doing that. We’re making them put in the time. In fact, that’s an actual course. Time Studies. The players all sat in a room today for 10 minutes and learned about the passage of time. That was worth nine credits of independent study. And they all aced it.”

NCAA president Mark Emmert said his organization is pleased with the changes the UNC athletic department has made.

“We’re happy with any real courses they want to create for their players,” said Emmert, “as long as they don’t teach them about basic worker rights or unionizing.”

North Carolina also announced that if they don’t win the national title, they will grant their players three credits in Disappointment Studies.