Under Armour announces plans to make innovative basketball shoe that doesn’t look like ass

BALTIMORE — Sports apparel and shoe giant Under Armour announced plans today to develop a basketball shoe that doesn’t look like the wearer stepped in a pile of shit.

“Our consumer research has found that there is an undeserved market out there of those who want basketball sneakers to be … I believe the term they used was: ‘not horrid to look at,’” said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank. “We want to make it our aim to create such a revolutionary shoe.”

In light of recent shoe designs including the dad-focused Under Armour Steph Curry 2s and the upcoming James Harden signature line of Adidas orthopedic shoes, Plank said Under Armour is “daring to ask: What if there is another way?”

“The longtime trend in basketball shoes is to slap together a complete abomination to the eyes, but then attach a big-name player to it and make a fortune,” continued Plank. “The other option for brands like Nike has been to just re-release new editions of old shoes that people liked 20 or 30 years ago. That’s great, but we’ve found some people might like completely new styles that don’t look like straight ass.”

The company currently has no timetable on when such a theoretical shoe could be developed and released.

“You can’t rush this kind of thing,” said Plank. “Could we hurry something out that looks like we just slapped our logo on a $23 pair of Payless shoes and then charged $149 for it? Of course. Shoe companies do it all the time. But this is our basketball shoe moonshot.”