WINNERS and LOSERS

Because sometimes the scoreboard doesn’t tell you who really won and lost.

This Week’s WINNERS

1. Jeff Maggert

Is golf a sport? Eh. It’s debatable. I don’t have a strong opinion on it either way — I’m sorry, I know this is the Internet and all opinions are supposed to be STRONG — but I’ve played a lot of golf and I say golf is not a sport. It’s an activity that requires skill. Like bowling. (Is bowling a sport?!?!?! Oh, no. Now we’ve entered an endless cycle of #debate. Abort!)

But I think we can all agree that senior golf, professional golf played by men 50 and over, is an abomination to the sports world and an insult to actual athletes the world over. (Agreed? Agreed. Motion carries.)

The only reason that it exists is because old, rich people like things that feature the old and rich and sponsors are happy to support things that rich people like. So we have the Champions Tour filling TV screens every weekend during the spring and summer, with old men who are no longer good enough to compete at the highest level playing for huge money.

Jeff Maggert won this weekend’s U.S. Senior Open. If the world was just, winning an over-50 golf tournament would earn you a Cracker Barrel gift card and a year’s subscription to Reader’s Digest. But, nope, the world is not just and, as such, Jeff Maggert won $675,000 on Sunday. Yes, $675,000 for being maybe the 300th best golfer in the world … but the best OLD golfer for a few days.

Old people love to complain about how much basketball and baseball players make, but how often do you hear them complain about the absurd money their fellow olds make playing old person golf? That’s where the truly insane money is made in “sports.” YOU ARE HYPOCRITES AND FRAUDS, OLD PEOPLE.


2. Steve Weatherford

The Giants punter weighed in on the Eagles quarterback situation on New York sports radio on Friday, comparing Sam Bradford to a broken down Ferrari and Mark Sanchez to a car that can’t do much more than get around, and saying that Tim Tebow is a nice guy but one that he “doesn’t want … taking snaps for my team.”

Oh, snap.

Of course, Weatherford was immediately ripped by football fans for having an opinion (even an opinion that almost everyone shares: that the Eagle quarterbacks are garbage) because he is “just a punter and not a real football player.” And that’s correct: punters are not real football players, even muscled ones like Weatherford. But if you rip Weatherford for stating his opinion, how do you or any of us — we random people on the Internet who are not even lowly punters — get to have any opinions on football? If Weatherford isn’t allowed to say that the Eagle quarterbacks suck, the rest of us surely shouldn’t be allowed to either.

And, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t make fun of the Eagles. So, please, keep having opinions on things, punters and all other fake football players*, too.

*Philadelphia Eagles quarterbacks.


3. Jeff Francoeur

A week and a half ago, outfielder Jeff Francoeur — employee of the worst team in Major League Baseball — was forced to throw 48 pitches in relief during a 19–3 loss to the Orioles. It was wrong. It was unfair. Yet, with many more 16-run losses in store for the Phillies this season, another Francoeur long relief appearance was likely to occur.

But on Sunday, in a loss to the Nationals, Francoeur made a strong case to never have to throw a baseball again.

Good job, Francoeur, you smart total moron.


4. Floyd Mayweather

Did you think the forces of good struck a blow for justice in the lead up to Mayweather-Pacquiao with Mayweather’s serial woman-beating finally getting publicized? YOU ARE INCORRECT!

At the BET Awards on Sunday night, someone sat Mayweather next to famed domestic violence victim Rihanna.

Congratulations, Floyd! Most people are still so clueless about the fact that you are a terrible human being that they’ll still sit you next to Rihanna. Feel free to continue on being terrible. Apparently no one cares.


5. UCLA Football Dads

Chances are, the average father of a UCLA football player feels rather uncool. The team contains the sons of Snoop Dogg and P. Diddy, two famous entertainers that players would be excited to meet, while you’re just a guy named Craig or Steve and work in sales.

But then this week happened and Diddy got arrested for trying to fight the team’s strength and conditioning coach — with a kettle bell, which seems like the lamest weapon possible — and then he fell down on national TV:

And suddenly, you go from being the uncool dad to being at least 10 times less embarrassing than Justin Combs’ pathetic father. #blessed


This Week’s LOSERS

1. Flies on Locker Room Walls

Imagine being a fly on a sports locker room wall in the last week, forced to hear professional athletes weigh in on things like gay marriage and the Confederate flag. Yikes.

“Oh, shut up, you smug elitist. You’re just playing into the unfair stereotype that athletes are stupid.”

Maybe. But, if I may, a counterpoint: maybe not. To bolster my maybe not, here’s University of Wisconsin-educated Devin Harris:

Poor, flies. You often land on feces, but that excrement isn’t nearly as bad as the shit that comes out of athletes’ mouths.


2. American Men’s Tennis Players

Wimbledon is only just beginning, sure. But by the time this “Winners and Losers” column is published again a week from now, all the American men will be long-since eliminated, so I need to include them now.


3. Philadelphia 76ers

A Vine went viral on Sunday that appeared to show Sixers 1st Round draft pick Jahlil Okafor tossing his Sixers jersey to the floor at the end of his draft class’ introductory press conference. But a scroll at the bottom of the misleading clip from the broadcast concealed a table that Okafor merely placed his jersey onto. The clean video is below:

So Okafor is NOT so disgusted by being a Sixer that he threw his jersey to the ground like garbage. That’s definitely good news for the Sixers and means they don’t have a problem there. Now their only problem is the fact that their entire team is 7-footers and that Sam Hinkie’s rebuilding plan isn’t working and that they’ll win 20-some games again this season and probably the year after that and the year after that and so on and so forth into all future world history.


4. Jack Eichel

It’s one thing to be regarded as second to Connor McDavid by everyone in NHL scouting departments. But when you’re completely ignored by noted hockey expert Larry King?

There’s no coming back from that. Buffalo loses again.


5. Language

“Jeff Maggert is moving into an elite class on golf’s senior circuit.”

Debating Joe Flacco’s greatness may have put language, words and meaning into intensive care, but using the E-word for a senior golfer? That’s the death blow. RIP Language: 100,000 B.C. — 2015 A.D. You were elite.

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