WINNERS and LOSERS

Because sometimes the scoreboard doesn’t tell you who really won.

This week’s WINNERS

1. Ryan Tannehill

Just weeks after getting a big contract extension from the Dolphins, Ryan Tannehill is back in the news thanks to a Johnny Manziel heckler.

Manziel was badgered Saturday at the Byron Nelson Classic by a Texas A&M fan hoping for a photo with the Browns backup. After Johnny Golfball (GET IT?) repeatedly declined because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his day posing for photos with fans, the guy started hurling insults at Manziel, including: “Good luck never starting in the NFL” and “Ryan Tannehill is way better than you.”

RYAN TANNEHILL IS WAY BETTER THAN YOU.

AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA. What an amazingly Texas A&M insult. Not “Josh McCown is better than you.” Not even “Tim Tebow is better than you.” No, this Aggie fan’s references are all A&M-related. It’s a shame Manziel didn’t stick around for more insults. Like: “You’re half the man Stephen McGee is!” and “I hope Reveille poops in your yard!” Ryan Tannehill may never reach ELITE status in the NFL, but at least he’ll always be the viewed as the pinnacle of quarterbacking to pathetic people who have nothing else in their life outside of Texas A&M football.


2. Alvin Gentry

There are two kinds of coaches in the NBA: great coaches and bad coaches. Great coaches are guys who stand there and yell basketball cliches — things like: “REBOUND!” and “ONE STOP HERE!” — to great players. Bad coaches are guys who stand there and yell the same basketball cliches to regular, normal NBA players.

Phil Jackson won titles with Jordan and Pippen and Kobe and Shaq. Put him on the Knicks with a non-generational talent like Carmelo Anthony and … garbage. If it wasn’t for Jordan, Phil Jackson would be Montana’s tallest pothead — a man with a hard-to-believe story about how he briefly coached in the NBA 25 years ago. Erik Spoelstra made four consecutive NBA Finals with LeBron; without LeBron he couldn’t even make the Eastern Conference playoffs (which, to be fair, is sort of an accomplishment in its own right). David Blatt … well, you get my point by now. Great players make “great” coaches in the NBA.

Alvin Gentry is about to become a great coach. He got the Golden Ticket. He’s been handed Anthony Davis just as Davis is entering his NBA prime. If the Pelicans can add another solid piece or two, Davis is on track to winning an NBA title or two or three, thereby make Alvin Gentry a GENIUS.

Congratulations, Alvin Gentry. Your yelled basketball cliches just became important because you’re yelling them at a generational player. Also, while I have you here, congratulations on getting the Knicks president job in 15 years.


3. Bartolo Colon

Bartolo Colon has reached base in three consecutive games. He has two hits in his last four at-bats, including this RBI double on Sunday.

Anyone who thinks the designated hitter should be adopted by the National League is dumb and stupid. Look at all the DH turds on the All-Star ballot.

C.J. Cron is hitting .204 with a HR and 6 RBI. Victor Martinez is hitting .216. David Ortiz: .224. Nick Swisher: .228. This is what baseball needs more of?

If baseball is going to have fat guys swing the bat and hit in the low .200's, I’ll take Bartolo Colon over David Ortiz every time. At least Colon is athletic enough to field his position and throw the ball.


4. Sepp Blatter

After most of his bestest pals got indicted and investigations into FIFA continue, you’d think Sepp Blatter would keep his head down for a bit and try not to provoke anyone so he doesn’t live out whatever years he has left behind bars. (Although if Blatter was incarcerated, he’d probably have a Qatari slave do the time for him.) Instead, he’s going full villain thanks to this comment over the weekend about those who tried to oust him:

“I forgive everyone, but I don’t forget.”

Wow. This guy gives nil fucks.


5. Women’s World Cup

Sepp Blatter is your traditional asshole in that he is a misogynist. That’s why the 2015 edition is about to open in Canada AKA “a place that is nice and therefore not like South Africa, Russia and Qatar.” Sepp Blatter only cares about men’s soccer, so he didn’t even think to use the women’s game to line his pockets with money from one of the world’s corrupt*/crap countries. What a victory for women!(?)

*All countries are corrupt, just some more than others. #blessed


This week’s LOSERS

1. Joakim Noah

So there’s a solid chance that the Bulls will trade Joakim Noah or that Fred Hoiberg will want to tinker with his shooting form.

Mr. Hoiberg, if you have any tweets questioning Derrick Rose’s toughness (93.4% of Twitter users do), you should probably delete them now.


2. These young Pirates fans

What are they? Around 10 years-old? For most of their memories, the Pirates have been good or at least competitive. They don’t know what it was like to root for truly horrible Pirates teams. Let’s see their faces light up after getting handed some gloves from Tike Redman. Yeah, not such big Pirates fans now, are you, adorable children?


3. Drone-flying Phillies fan

A Phillies fan was flying a drone near Citizens Bank Park on Sunday before having his device confiscated by police. Idiot. When you have Ruben Amaro in your sights, you take the shot. Phillies fans may never have this opportunity again.


4. Harriette Thompson

The 92 year-old cancer survivor became the oldest woman to complete a marathon on Sunday in San Diego. I’m a fraction of this woman’s age and the highlights of my Sunday was taking out the trash, watching some baseball and eating a take-and-bake pizza for lunch/dinner. People are saying Harriette Thompson is INSPIRING? Ha! All she did is make me feel like a pathetic loser. YOU’RE A BAD PERSON, HARRIETTE! And I’d say that to her face if I could catch her.


5. American Pharoah

Just keeping this LOSERS spot warm for next week.

“Oh, you’re such a HATER.” Really? People that supposedly love horses ride them around and whip them. I think predicting that a horse will lose a race is pretty tame compared to that, no?


See last week’s …