WINNERS and LOSERS
Because sometimes the scoreboard doesn’t tell you the real score.
This Week’s WINNERS
1. This Idiot
Most idiots go through life and don’t stand out in any way. They live on the fringes of society. No one notices them, even fellow idiots. But this idiot will always have the day he climbed on top of a basketball hoop and got stuck there when his idiot pants got snagged on the rim. He’s no longer just a nameless, faceless idiot. He’s got a story to tell at idiot parties. He’s a special kind of idiot.
2. Terrible People
If there is one known fact in all of science, it is this: Only terrible people are Floyd Mayweather fans. Floyd Mayweather is an unabashed terrible person and only terrible people would root for him. We were reminded of this several years ago when Justin Bieber jumped on TMT; we were reminded again in recent weeks when domestic violence aficianado Stephen A. Smith went all-in with the wife beater.
While the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight was awful entertainment and possibly the final death knell for boxing as a mainstream sport, it did serve one important purpose: revealing terrible people.
Is Donald Trump a terrible person? Yes. Yes, he is.
But what about someone like John Calipari? He seems like a generally well-meani- …
Nope. No. He’s also proud to root for human excrement. Good to know. John Calipari is terrible. Write it down in ink.
Bieber, Stephen A., Trump and Calipari were far from the only people rooting for Mayweather. The pre- and post-fight coverage served as a sort of national terrible person registry, with dozens of public figures self-identifying as Mayweather supporters/terrible people. It was actually quite helpful.
But those of us who aren’t terrible people can suck it. Because Floyd Mayweather won. And that’s apparently all that matters.
Congratulations, terrible people!
3. San Antonio Spurs
The defending champs lost in the 1st Round of the NBA Playoffs on a last-second shot. They will now use these extra six weeks off to rest their old man bones and come back next year and proceed to win 14 of the next 22 NBA titles before ultimately retiring in 2037 out of boredom and also pity over Lebron James, Jr.’s inability to win a championship.
4. Astros Twitter
Last week, the Houston Rockets fired their social media guy after a tweet he posted alluded to emoji gun violence against an emoji horse. WHAT A MONSTER. But not all Houston sports team social media people are struggling. Some even deserve a raise.
Recall this tweet?
Everyone laughed. Even the Social Media Director of this fine site.
Now the Astros are 18–7, riding a 10-game win streak, and are 7 games up in the A.L. West. That mocked tweet from December could go down as one of the greatest sports tweets of all-time. Best of all: the Astros could cancel a Taylor Swift concert. The Astros and Amanda Rykoff are HEROES.
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any hipper, James Taylor — the 67 year-old singer-songwriter and guitarist known for his hit “Every James Taylor Song Sounds the Same” — has penned a new song called “Angels of Fenway.” In it, Taylor sings about the 2004 World Series team and probably has a really folksy take on steroids.
This Week’s LOSERS
Friggin’ Canada. Six Canadian teams made it into the NHL Playoffs — seven, if you count Minnesota — but only two made it to the 2nd Round. (Three, if you count Minnesota.) Now those two remaining teams, Montreal and Calgary, are down a combined four games to none. (6–0 if you count Minnesota.) To make it even worse, watch the Stanley Cup Finals be between the hockey towns of Anaheim and Tampa. Friggin’ Canada.
2. Mock Drafters
This is sort of rubbing it in. People who do mock drafts are known losers. Their entire career, everything they do each day, is completely pointless and worthless, ignored by everyone who actually drafts the players. But NFL Draft weekend always reminds us of exactly how irrelevant and clueless these people are, because as soon as the real picks start rolling, we fully see how months of their lives — countless mock drafts — were dedicated to being very very wrong.
Mock drafters. Bracketologists. Fantasy “experts.” Everyone in the sports media is irrelevant, but these three do it best.
Yet there is hope for mock drafters. One person knows how to get picks right. One GENIUS person. Maybe he can inspire the other mock drafters to achieve similar greatness.
3. Andy Roddick
First, he has to carry the shame of being an American male tennis player. Then he has to find out via the good journalists at “People” that his supermodel wife has been impregnated by Andy Murray.
Is there even a Brooklyn in Scotland? I don’t know. But according to “People,” there’s been a Scot in Brooklyn. (Zing! ← Said with a cool Scottish accent.)
4. Wes Welker
A year after popping Molly at the Kentucky Derby, Welker’s horse Undrafted (apparently the name Scraptastic was already taken) failed to win its pre-Derby race. Meanwhile, former teammate Rob Gronkowski showed it’s possible to have a good time at the Derby without using banned substances:
(Gronk blood is currently not illegal.)
Oh, Wes. No champion horse. No Super Bowl ring. Not even a place amongst the tiny white receivers in photos with Tom Brady anymore. Maybe it’s time to start a new life as a jockey.
5. Craig Counsell
He has to manage the Brewers now.