WINNERS and LOSERS

Because sometimes the scoreboard doesn’t tell you who really won.

This week’s WINNERS

1. Weird horse people

The weird horse person has mostly flown under the radar since the untimely 2007 demise of their Lord and Savior, Barbaro Christ. But American Pharoah winning the Triple Crown has brought them out into mainstream society again.

How does the weird horse person think? Take the first sentence from this column by ESPN’s Ian O’Connor:

There he was parading about in the winner’s circle, the world’s greatest athlete …

Wait … what? How did Lionel Messi get to New York state from Berlin in just a couple of hours? Or … did O’Connor see LeBron? LeBron was in New York less than 24 hours before he was to play an NBA Finals game in Oakland? That’s irresponsible!

Unless … my god … this weird horse person is calling the horse the world’s greatest athlete. That’s it, isn’t it? Wow.

Okay, fine, weirdo. Let’s play that game. We’re completely bypassing the usual DERRRR IS LEBRON BETTER THAN JORDAN DERRRR COULD LEBRON PLAY FOR THE BROWNS OR WHAT IF HE PLAYED SOCCER idiocy and now #debating all the athletes of the Animal Kingdom. Super. Let’s do it.

If you’ll recall from kindergarten, the fastest animal is the cheetah — with a top speed of 75 mph — and the fastest bird is the peregrine falcon, which can hit speeds of 275 mph. Soooooooo … sorry, but your misspelled horse isn’t even the fastest animal “athlete” in the world — completely ignoring the fact that thoroughbreds aren’t the greatest jumpers and aren’t exactly known for their side-to-side agility or their ability to overcome injury. A cheetah would catch and kill American Pharoah in less time than it took the horse to run Belmont. For world’s greatest athlete, I’m going cheetah or Messi. DEBATE!

But don’t debate the status of horse people. It’s been decided that they’re the weirdest of the weird.


2. Novak Djokovic

Djokovic blew his chance to win the French Open on Sunday, somehow losing to a person named “Stan” one round after defeating Rafael Nadal. The French would have given Djokovic the Career Slam. At age 28, Djokovic might not get another chance like the one he just had.

What good fortune! Winning would mean Djokovic achieved all of his life goals at age 28. Now he’s got something good to regret on his death bed 60 years from now. You can’t put a price tag on that.


3. Hack racial comedians

Black people shake hands like this. White people shake hands like this.

Turns out you might be right, hack racial comedians! I look forward to your next set at The Chuckle Hut. May I suggest some jokes about how women be crazy?


4. Bartolo Colon

With another hit on Saturday night, Colon now has a three-game hitting streak. It’s officially time for everyone to stop laughing at Colon’s at-bats.

But if you must laugh at a Major League player at the plate, there’s always all of the Seattle Mariners.


5. ESPN

Hey, great job by ESPN smacking down the Hope Solo Redemption Tour with this piece:


This week’s LOSERS

1. ESPN

Hey, bad job by ESPN starting the Hope Solo Redemption Tour a few days before the above piece went up with this one, titled “PRIDE. REGRET. HOPE.”

It’s an odd pattern that ESPN has adopted with scumbag athletes. We saw it with Floyd Mayweather. First, we got Stephen A. Smith’s fan boy tour of Mayweather’s house. Then … a few days later … the “OTL” team did a piece reminding everyone that Mayweather is in the top 1% of the world’s worst people.

ESPN’s Athlete PR Division should probably consult more with their Actual Journalists Division. It sure is going to be awkward when “OTL” does a piece on Ray Lewis.


2. Horse racing

So we finally have a Triple Crown winner. With that out of the way, now horse racing’s big stories are all the closing racetracks and dying horses.

Way to simultaneously save your sport and kill it, American Pharoah, world’s 729,378th best athlete.


3. Kyrie Irving

The Cavaliers are now 3–0 in the playoffs without Kyrie Irving. If LeBron wins the NBA title, the rings he wins for Kevin Love and Irving should count for his career total. So he’d have three, add two from Love and Irving … that’s five total, one less than Jordan. Ohmigod … is LeBron > Jordan > cheetahs?!?!?!!


4. Oscar Pistorius

The Blade Runner is set to be released from prison on August 21st. He must be terrified. Now he’s back into society, where bathroom burglars burgle at will and no bathroom is safe.


5. FIFA

It’s been a bad run of late for FIFA, what with the indictments and resignations and people saying: “Hey, could you maybe not use slaves to build World Cup stadiums?” Now more than ever, the football fédération needs some propaganda to help its image. So what great timing for the release of “United Passions,” the FIFA-backed movie about the history of FIFA starring Tim Roth!

Unfortunately, critics have destroyed it. It currently has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Here are just a few of the reviews:

Tedious, amateurish and hilariously ill-timed.
One of the most unwatchable films in recent memory, a dishonest bit of corporate-suite sanitizing that’s no good even for laughs.
As proof of corporate insanity it is a valuable case study.

Okay, so the critical reviews aren’t great. But football is the sport of the common man, right? Surely the common man loved it. Away from critics and to normal-person reviews on IMDB we go!

This is propaganda. DON’T PAY TO SEE THIS!
Awful, Terrible, Avoid
no…just no
Dreadful, awful, terrible

Okay, well … huh. So it might not be a good movie. But that’s okay. Sepp Blatter can probably get some good reviews from his slaves. “Give it 5-stars on Rotten Tomatoes or no gruel for a week!”


Last week’s Winners and Losers …