WORLD AT WAR AFTER GRONK CRUISE DRUNKENLY SAILS INTO RUSSIAN WATERS
EARTH — World War III has broken out after a party cruise hosted by New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski sailed into Russian waters.
The U.S. State Department claims that Gronk and his fellow revelers got “blackout drunk on Four Loko” and mistakenly went far off course on the way to the Bahamas from Miami. But Russian president Vladimir Putin claims Gronk and his bros were intent on “making sex” with Russian women while on a mission to take a Super Bowl XXXIX ring owned by Putin that has long been the center of a dispute between the Russian strongman and Patriots owner Robert Kraft.
Just hours after Gronk’s ship, the S.S. 69 LOL, was intercepted in the Arctic Ocean by the Russian Navy on Sunday night, Putin declared full-scale war on the United States and its allies. U.S. president Barack Obama responded by sending the Navy’s entire fleet of destroyers towards Russia and readying the Air Force and Army forces based in Europe for a full-scale attack on the former Soviet state.
The Russian Navy cruiser that stopped the Gronk cruise attempted to establish the intent of the boat’s passengers, but Gronkowski and others — according to the official Russian account — responded “aggressively” by trying to “hump” them. One lower-level Gronkowski brother allegedly attempted to motorboat a female Russian ensign. The cruise ship was also searched and such a large quantity of vodka was uncovered that Russian officials assumed it had to have been stolen from Russian shores.
President Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office this morning as the war began: “It is our sacred duty as a nation to defend and fight for our citizens, even the most drunken and douchey among us. With full force of the greatest military in the world behind us, we will return Gronk home to 69 again on American shores.”