What Can Patriots Fans Expect in 2017? By Steven Viner
My fellow Patriots fans. *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* Do you smell that warm, cinnamony goodness wafting from 1 Patriots Place? *wah* *wah* *wah* Can you hear the weeping sobs from the fans of the other 31 teams? *glug* *glug* *glug* Can you taste the sweet-loving-magical yumminess from a frozen chalice filled with our opponents tears?
Actually, Pats fans, do you not think the rest of the league has suffered enough? Do you not think us Patriots fans victorious run is a bit overextended? Do you not think that letting someone else win would be the fair, kindhearted thing to do?
LMAO! Screw those crybabies! The New England Patriots don’t deal in participation trophies, or honorable mentions, or “it’s not whether you won or lose, little Joey, it’s how you play the game.” Patriots fans slap bumper stickers on their trucks that say, “my kid beat up your Little Joey honor student.”
Sorry Patriots haters.
The Patriots, Belichick, Brady, their fans, are all-in. We are laying down our cards, and showing the other 31 teams and Roger Boob-ell a royal flush and the middle finger. Here’s how the entire season plays out.
Game 1: Patriots kick off the season against the Chiefs. After Brady smashes his helmet into the turf from failing to connect on a 6th touchdown pass, some Gronk-wannabe name Kelce catches a pass across the middle in garbage time, trying to score K.C.’s only points. As Kelce is about to cross the goal line, the poll holding the Patriots Championship banners snaps from what engineers call, “too many banners and too much weight,” crushing Kelce on the 2 yard line. Patriots fans celebrate by breaking the protective glass surrounding the red-nosed clown Rodger Boob-ell, hang him by his Tighty-whities from the goal post, and demand he make balloon animals for the kiddies. Patriots 1–0
Game 2: This shootout in the Bayou features Tom Brady and the Saints Drew Brees doing their best Bill Russell versus Wilt Chamberlain impersonations. Naturally, Brady is Russell (all he does is win at any cost) and Brees is Chamberlain (all flash and stats.) In the fourth quarter, Brady jumps from his own 1 yard line and dunks in Brees’s face, poster-izing poor little Drew by throwing a 99 yard bomb to his new favorite toy … former Saints wide receiver, Mr. Brandan Cooks. Patriots 2–0
Game 3: After the 30th incomplete pass, Houston wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins snatches the football from the ref’s hands, stomps off the field with a pouty face and yells, “Malcolm Butler is a ‘big fat jerk head’ who never lets me catch ANYTHING!” Patriots 3–0
Game 4: Cam Newton eludes Patriots defenders for a rushing touchdown to cut the Pats lead to 31 points. Newton takes advantage of the NFL’s new rule of allowing celebrations by dancing in front of the Minutemen for 30 minutes. On the next series, Dont’a Hightower blitzes, and is the first player in NFL history to be called for “Murdering the quarterback.” Greg Olsen reads a beautiful speech at Cam’s funeral. Everyone sheds a tear. Patriots 4–0
Game 5: Unfortunately, this game against the Buccaneers is played without Rob Gronkowski. The big, lovable goof gets caught up pre-gaming at Tampa Bay’s in stadium pirate ship, and is found passed out naked, holding a beer funnel. When asked at the post-game press conference about how he will handle Gronk, Belichick snaps out of nodding off and says, “It is what it is. We’re on to the Jets.” Patriots 5–0
Game 6: The Patriots forget to show up against the Jets. The New England Revolution soccer team — who are practicing at Gillette — decide to give it a go. The Jets put up a valiant effort! But the Revs kick 10 field goals, and win by 30. Patriots 6–0
Game 7: The Super Bowl 51 rematch displays the Patriots toughest regular season game of the year … for the first quarter. After a Gronkosaurus Rex drags all 11 Falcon defenders 20 yards into the endzone, Atlanta files an official complaint to the league that the Patriots cheated by jamming a helmet onto a dinosaur and allowed it to play. Brady gets suspended for the rest of the regular season. Patriots 7–0
Game 8: Phillip Rivers follows the suspended Brady around all game trying to touch his rings and get an autograph … and forgets to play. Patriots 8–0
Game 9: Garoppolo uses a conservative game plan against Denver by throwing countless screen passes to Julian Edelman and Dion Lewis. After these human-superballs use their elusive moves to snap the ankles of every Bronco defender, they put Demaryius Thomas — the softest 6-foot-4 wide receiver in the league — at linebacker. He makes negative 4 tackles and scores a touchdown FOR the Pats. Patriots 9–0
Game 10: Playing in Mexico for the first time, the Patriots players agree to do shots of tequila for every touchdown scored against the Oakland “defense.” By halftime, Butler signs a 50 year, $20 peso contract, Alan Branch destroys the locker bathroom from his earlier all-you-can-eat burrito stop, and Belichick starts the 2nd half wearing a sombrero while sporting a fresh tattoo on his bicep of a Mexican woman shaking a maraca. Patriots 10–0
Game 11: Ndamukong Suh from the 2nd place Dolphins reiterates his statement from training camp that, “they are not afraid of the Patriots.” During pregame warm up, Suh throws an elderly referee onto the turf and stomps him a few times … then acts surprised when the cheap-shot artist is ejected from the stadium. As Suh leaves, he smiles at successfully avoiding the terrifying Patriots. Instead of winning by 30, Patriots win by 40. Patriots 11–0
Game 12: Early in the week, Bob Kraft holds a contest for 22 lucky fans to play against the Buffalo Bills. Bobby O’Malley from Dorchester throws for 212 yards, but it’s 87-year-old Margaret Wilson from Clinton who catches 2 touchdown passes and receives the game-ball for leading the Patriots to an “important” division victory. Patriots 12–0
After a judge with half a brain reverses Brady’s recent suspension and sentences Rodger Boob-ell to 90 day in jail for stupidity and defamation of character, the NFL forfeits the rest of the season and hands the Patriots their 6th Super Bowl Championship. They foil the Patriots chances at 19–0 and the other 31 teams decide to strike until Brady and Belichick retire. Robert Kraft buys these teams their very own replica Lombardi trophy and they agree to kick off the 2018 season with their new league slogan, “It’s not whether you win or lose … it’s how you play the game!”
All joking aside, buckle up Patriots fans … because injuries are the only thing stopping this train from going 19–0.
Patriots fans, please follow me @StevenViner1 and I will follow you back!