Why you’d want to be on JJ Redick’s team in the event of a zombie apocalypse

Like anyone else, I love nothing more than to while away the long winter nights by watching basketball and imagining global extinction events.

Years of careful analysis have led me to the conclusion that if I was drafting a team of zombie apocalypse survivalists, I’d take JJ Redick with the first pick.

Here’s why.

He has a strong belief system
You don’t want to be stuck with a bunch of spineless atheists when the end of days comes. They lack motivation at the best of times, and this is the opposite of that.

JJ Redick has a tattoo of Jesus on his left arm, so you can rest assured that he won’t be hitting you on the head and stealing your can of baked beans.

And yes, a lot of basketball players are covered with religious scripture and imagery, but how many of them were writing poetry to God when they were in college?

Just JJ.

If you’re the type of person who would be too self conscious to read poetry on ESPN, then I’m afraid you might not have the requisite cojones to survive a world in which the guy who used to be your favourite childhood teacher now wants to eat you, brains first.

Zombies probably don’t think poetry’s cool, either. Think about that.

He has prior experience with angry mobs
JJ Redick was the player fans loved to hate during his college career (the typical basketball enthusiast abhors poetry), so he knows what it’s like to face down hordes of mindless automatons who would like nothing more than to tear him apart.

Not only that, but he actually shines in that type of situation, as evidenced by his transformation into a kind of villainous alter ego during his college career:

Imagine what kind of gun-toting hero JJ could become in the face of extreme zombie adversity. At the very least he’s unlikely to just shit himself and get eaten, however much the average UNC fan would like that to be the case.

NBA basketball is essentially a monster apocalypse simulator
I would argue that NBA basketball players are far more intimidating than a few shambolic deadheads who can barely keep their flesh on.

In the 2015 playoffs, when JJ Redick’s Clippers narrowly defeated the San Antonio Spurs, he had the pleasure of being guarded all series by this guy:

This is Kawhi Leonard. He is 6ft 7, and has a wingspan of 7ft 3ins. His hands are 9.75 inches long and shortly after the 2011 NBA draft Greg Popovich had his original human skeleton replaced with adamantium.

This is a dead person with no legs.

Basically, because JJ spends a fair amount of time preparing his body so that he can get away from freak athletes, the chances of him being munched by a couple of zomboids on a routine scavenging mission is pretty low.

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You might have to repopulate the earth at some point
I always tell people not to get too far ahead of themselves in an apocalypse scenario; survival is very much a moment to moment thing when almost everyone you know has been infected by a virus that makes them hunger for human flesh.

Having said that, if you do get far enough, at some point you’re probably going to want to do that thing people do: combine your genes with the genes of another person to create an entirely new human that starts off small and gets bigger.

I can’t go into too much detail regarding this process because it is very rude and involves all manner of flip flaps and shafts, but I hear it’s a lot more fun if you do it with someone you’re attracted to.

At the end of the day, do you want the world to be full of this:

…or this?

If you chose zombies you’re probably a Maryland Terrapins fan, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your licentious activity is responsible for the outbreak in the first place. Shame on you.

He knows Adam Morrison
JJ has a very clear contingency plan when the proverbial shit starts flying: get to Adam Morrison’s bunker.

I know what you’re thinking: He looks like he might have several bunkers, but where’s the evidence?

This information has been corroborated by many sources, including on this podcast, where Kyle Wiltjer said:

The guy is fully equipped if there was an apocalypse. He’s got food stashed away, everything. So he could survive everything… Guns, everything. He’s got a bunker. Everything…I haven’t fully seen it. I’ve just heard the myth, and I’ve talked to him about it. But he’s definitely fully-equipped. He’s got food, everything, if anything went down. He thinks something’s going down with politics or something, because if you ever ask him a political question, you will get a great answer.

The above quote might seem like the incoherent ramblings of a mad man, but for any group of survivors to make it more than a couple of months into a zompocalypse, they’ll need to have some kind of mysterious, possibly mythical place they’re trying to get to.

Call it Sanctuary, call it Adam Morrison’s bunker, it’s all the same, really.

To conclude, please let me know who you would have on your zombie apocalypse team; it’s a question that’s overlooked all too often in modern society.

BE PREPARED.