Which Came First the Bully or the Stalker?
The chicken and egg scenario just got weird.
It should have been obvious, right?
At some point when the magnitude of the struggle you have been going through hits you… Then the light bulb goes on and you realize you have both a bully and a stalker on your hands.
Naturally, that led to all kinds of other questions including are bullies stalkers ? and vice-versa?
The language we use to describe people acting out certain types of behaviors only serves to isolate and fragment each type of behavior. Many of these issues are inter-connected and evolve as their consciousness and learning process evolves.
This means you may start with a person who has OCD and anxiety but over the course of 25 years they turn into an obsessive, bully who displays violent tendencies and stalks someone. The early issues never got dealt with by whatever means was being used to address the issues (if they were even addressed at all) and it just got worse.
If it is one thing I have learned about dealing with a stalker, especially a persistent one it is that at some point the bully and the stalker are one in the same.
All Stalkers are Bullies but… Not all Bullies Are Stalkers
So what’s the difference between a bully and a stalker why do some people bully but they’re not stalkers and why are some people stalkers and not bullies(is there such a thing?)? Then there is my favorite the stalkers who are bullies.
Anyhow I’m not sure there’s anyone real answer for any of those but there are a few key insightful things I’ve seen out of our process.
- Bullies don’t care if everyone knows they are a bully, and prefers it that way.
While some bullies don’t care if everyone knows, in fact they are quite comfortable with everyone knowing.
The open quality to their dominance gives that ‘throne built on fear’ because no one will challenge or stand up to them and they reign emotionally through the social relationships of a group.
Their way is paved for them through the fear based social structure.
2. Bullies have friends.
These folks have their own groupies, a social network of friends and family who will support them in their relentless persecution of some soul who has stepped outside of their un-articulated and highly personal idea of what is acceptable for other human beings.
3. Bullies get sympathy.
Bullies get sympathy more than the targets of their behavior. No one wants to be a victim either so it is easy for many to make a choice to favor or relate to the bully. The flip side is the hidden punishment accompanied by condemnation of the group towards the target, who allowed themselves to be a victim.
To me… just the glaring lack of consequences for targeted harassment, violence and vandalism directed at often someone else screams acceptance, if not approval.
Further unspoken messages towards bullies by those protective if them include; “If methods for processing your awkward and unhappy feelings about yourself include harming others, that is OK too.”
4. Stalkers Don’t want to be seen as a Bully.
Yes, that is stating the obvious yet somehow it is inadequate as a description.
They have a clear value of appearances to others being a certain way. This implies a clear understanding of what they really want to do to someone else is wrong. Yet… they do it anyway.
The only difference I can see between a stalker and a bully is the stalker can make an amazing effort to make sure there is no evidence. The second option is a stalking scenario can leave a great deal of plausible deniability. This means catching the stalker or proving guilt is either impossible or so painful the target will forget about pursuing any recourse.
5. Stalkers would like you to Bully yourself… So they can Watch.
Yep… The mind games here is what I a referring to. Stalkers (at least the ones we have to deal) would love you to make yourself miserable so they can watch from a distance, through your Internet or cell phone or get their friends to watch you as well.
6. Stalkers have friends too.
Yes, and their friends will stalk for them, keep tabs on the target and be right there as an accomplice with the illegal and unethical activities of the stalker/bully.
Yes, it is still stalking if you get your friends to do it.
Now, once there was a person who I though was a friend who had it in their head that yet another person was doing something they shouldn’t be doing (ya, nebulous and subjective at best). They wanted me to go through their office and home looking for evidence of such nefarious activities to then justify their feelings and… I am assuming take whatever next steps of action they wanted to.
Well, that conversation did not end so well for the person wanting me to basically commit some B & E so they can confirm their paranoia because that is where I say ‘check yourself’ if you are thinking those things. That person went on my mental ‘watch list’ and really was no longer a friend of mine after that even though they were in my peripheral orbit for a while.
Other than that type of conversation I have no idea how people get suckered into doing a stalker’s bidding…
Bullies, Mean People & Other Untouchables
Many of us have had a bully at some point. Especially in grade school or high school. The scenes play out like a bad movie from the early 90s. The only difference was for most of us there was no one to swoop in and save us or no zombies that came along and ate the bullies heads.
We picked ourselves up and moved on as best we could. Though I have seen some absolutely terrible cases of bullying… In my experience with bullying personally, there’s not much else I was able to do in dealing with a bully. Just find a way to move on.
Most bullies are obvious about it. They have their Posse with them, harass you openly and publicly and if you’re lucky they beat the crap out of you publicly too.
Those bullies are known, and like being known, openly for being the mean-spirited person who enjoys hurting people.
Stalkers: Bullies Hiding in the shadows
Of course not all bullies are going to fall into this scenario but, I daresay there’s more than the one we have out there that matches the description of ‘the bully hiding in the shadows.’
So which came first The bully or the stalker?
So is there a line that actually gets crossed or do we just not have two words to describe really what’s happening? Or both?
Well I can’t speak for other stalkers… I’m not even sure I understand the one we have been dealing with.
But it sure does look like they discovered they could go from stalker to bully somewhere along the way.
This goes hand-in-hand with the ‘things you know’ the more you know and ‘how you learn’. Add a splash of ‘if you can get away with it’ then go do it and you have a persistent stalker who loves to bully from the shadows.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I know I can’t possibly be the only one coming to these conclusions and connecting dots between bullies and stalkers but what does it mean for both the targets and the stalker bullies and regular bullies? What kind of solutions can be thought of or heck, use the ones we have even?
That remains to be seen yet.
