Satire on Reality Shows

America’s Got Talent — the Judges

I do not mind confessing that I enjoy the Got Talent shows on television.
However, the American version is all the more fascinating, by which of course I mean, ghastly, due to the very reserved judges.
It appears in the United States model, you are able to earn a standing ovation for merely: turning up; queuing for a very long time; retaining the strength to stagger on to the stage.
And if you then blub that you: were bullied; have suffered from anxiety; come from a country that nobody can spell; are very young/old; have a disability (alopecia counts); and lacking any of these — take your shirt off, for, the brandishment of any one of the above will pretty much guarantee that a judge will erupt from their chair, screeching at a level suggesting that you are, in fact, in separate continents, ‘YOU COULD PROBABLY WIN THIS THING.’
And if audience members are especially attentive, they are very likely to catch a judge lamenting, ‘Oh, heck, where are all the deformed freaks this year?’
If, however, you do not qualify for the categories above, and indeed display about as much talent as a pickled walnut, then brace yourself to be humiliated (forever) before somewhere in the region of six billion-plus internet-viewers, this century’s answer to the stocks and stoning.
We all know that the programme’s front-line cullers deliberately send through sprinklings of high-grade, fully-paid-up, deluded whackos in the interests of ratings, er, I mean inclusiveness.
My complaint is this: where can those American judges go after handing out standing-Os roughly 99.99 per cent of the time?
Realistically, the only way for a judge to up a standing-O would be, for example, to have the sensitivity and foresight to rig themself up as a human roman candle and be ever-poised to ignite the top of their own head.
Even better — a judge could offer to part with a vital organ (just in case the need arises).
Alright, that is a little extreme even for the Yanks.
But genuine solutions are at hand!
One option is to offer to adopt the contestant if you are youngish; and if older, jauntily announce to the candidate/the hearing universe, that you will be writing them (handsomely) into your will.
And if the judge really wants to push the boat out, they can include a codicil that states that either they, or one of their close family members will, if said contestant is faced with the scourge that is infertility, donate eggs/sperm and/or, act as a surrogate.

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NEXT!