The Power of Accountability
What makes you lose respect for people? It varies across the board for everyone, but for me, it’s lack of accountability. It’s lack of admittance, it’s lack of humility. If you don’t know how to self-reflect and say, “You know what? I probably could have handled this situation differently” then that makes me question your sense of reality.
You know a fact no one ever wants to admit? You have hurt someone at some point in this life. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good person. It’s a guarantee that you will fuck up. It’s a cliche to say no one’s perfect, but it seems like a lot of people may view themselves in that light. People tend to view the world from a black and white perspective with no room for grey areas. Who likes to admit they were wrong? Absolutely no one. But guess what? You can still be a good person and fuck up. You can be kind, gracious and compassionate, loving, sincere, sweet and warm, and here’s the real: you will still do something wrong. No one likes to be blamed, and everyone likes to point the finger. But at what point do you face yourself, your inner demons, and do the real work to find out what part you played in your trauma?
Okay, now we are getting into a controversial territory. I’m not saying you can’t experience neglect, abuse, and violence without sole and complete wrongdoing from the person who projected it onto you. There are terrible and damaging people in this world who prey on innocence and kindness, and that in itself is a completely different topic. What I’m trying to say is that you are not always “right” in every conflict in your life. There are times when you could be the person inflicting pain, or at least projecting yours. And here’s the most revolutionary part in this all: it’s okay to admit that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why people hate being accountable, and while there are many reasons at play, I think power is one of the main ones. A lot of people really view power in this weird, patriarchal, and intrusive way. Like, if I admit I am wrong, I am yielding my power. That shit is so ridiculous to me. You know what’s powerful? Removing yourself from your perspective and trying to have a more objective view of the situation. You know what’s radical? Admitting you were wrong and trying to make things right. You know what’s refreshing? Thinking of other people besides yourself.
This may come off as harsh, but I’m talking to myself as I articulate this life lesson. When my partner and I get into an argument, I have a tendency to be proud by not wanting to admit some wrong-doings, and then I give him the silent treatment. This is one of my many flaws. I am an extremely sensitive person. I don’t like to be critiqued, and I don’t like it when someone tells me something about myself I don’t want to hear, including (or especially I should say) when I’m wrong. But being in a committed relationship has shown me how much I need to self-reflect. Sometimes, you need to have the courage to say, “Damn. I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
The act of being accountable carries a high vibration, because it means you are speaking the truth. You know who/what refuses to be accountable? America and other colonizing countries. Politicians. Various government entities. Embezzling businessmen. Murderers. Rapists. A whole slew of people. Good people. All of us. Everyone. We are so afraid, terrified, and way too prideful to be accountable. But you know what I am learning? Being accountable shifts your entire reality. Being accountable doesn’t take away your power, but. it actually reclaims it.
Before I met my love, I was in the weirdest relationships. And by weird I mean…there were blaring signs that it wasn’t going to be long term, and I didn’t analyze that until after they were gone. I had to take accountability in my patterns too.
Freshmen year of college, I remember laying on my bed, lamenting to my roommate. “I am such a good person, a good girl. All of these guys treat me like shit. Why? What the fuck is wrong with them?”
During that time I had no accountability in the ways I played into those relationships. I slept with guys who told me they weren’t looking for a committed relationship, and yet I was still outraged after being rejected when I brought up being serious after a period of time. Or I dated guys who acted similarly. Or I didn’t believe in myself or my worth and I continued to get humiliated and treated terribly by men who didn’t deserve me. The irony in all of this is that it wasn’t until I stopped giving a fuck what a potential partner should think of me is when I actually met the person I am deeply committed to now.
So I take accountability in my own inability to see my worth. Yes, that was fueled by society and mistreatment, trauma and abuse which intensely clouded my line of vision. But at the same time I had to find out what it meant like to love myself, to not be immersed in what someone else may want me to be and to spend time being truly authentic to who I am at my core.
We give away so much of our power without even realizing it. Accountability to ourselves, and within all of our relationships is an avenue to reclaim power and gain respect not only from yourself but from your community.
Restorative justice is built on the foundation of accountability, and that’s what makes it so radical. It’s having a conversation and being honest about personal experiences and trauma that had impact on the way you projected yourself to the world. Restorative justice is aligned with the idea of admitting wrong-doing in order to begin the healing for any parties involved. I have always seen restorative justice as something that could be implemented more widely, but again it stems from the idea of accountability, that theme we all seem to shy away from. Restorative justice not only holds the person who committed the crime responsible, but also the system in which the person was bred. It’s layered and accountability is often like that. There are different actions that yield a variety of results and when it comes down to it, we’re all accountable for something. It also shows that you can hold people accountable and still be compassionate. Punitive measures should not necessarily have to include being caged in a dark building, and in some ways we do the same to people in our lives by building up bars and barriers instead of understanding the layers to the relationship or scenario.
The next time you are in an emotional disagreement, try to take some time to analyze the situation from an objective standpoint with true transparency. Chances are, you will find scenarios where you fucked up or had impact too. And again, that is perfectly alright. It’s okay to be wrong, it means you’re human. It means you’re growing and learning and failing too, but expanding. And we have to learn to honor those parts of our journey just as much as the parts that amplify happiness and glory.
