Find your career by proxy… a parent’s perspective

Joy Cooper, mother of three and foster carer, talks about how to support your children in entering the world of work and finding their career path.

When I started my family almost 30 years ago now the last thing on my mind was … ‘What will he be when he grows up?’

I know parents & grandparents or more often — distant aunts ask this question of 3 year olds ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ But I never even considered that my small offspring would have a ‘career’, let alone what it might look like. I was far too busy getting them to actually grow up and be happy that it almost came as a shock to me.

The pressure on parents during their children’s teenage years is immense. Are they good enough for University? What are their skills? They want to leave school and just work? What??? Where are they going to work? What have they got to offer the world at 16 or 18? The questioning from others and yourself is endless and exhausting.

I tried to focus on my children’s individual talents….and when these looked thin on the ground at times — we stepped back to qualities and the good bits about them. I have three children and they are all different — so they required different support, encouragement, guidance and acceptance during this period and I will never know if I did right by any of them.

My eldest child left school after his A Levels and promptly retired to his bedroom to contemplate his future. His father and I played tag team of good cop/bad cop… taking it in turns to cajole, shout at him, be understanding or exasperated, whilst traipsing around the countryside with him to interviews or auditions before saying — enough is enough! I sat down with him and we sent his CV off to almost 200 media companies asking very politely for an internship or work experience.

Our desperate plan paid off. His CV was on someone’s desk a few weeks later when there was a work experience cancellation to be filled at ITV. He still needed much encouragement to get up to London everyday for work but it lead to bigger and better things and his ‘career path’ had begun.

Child number two left school even earlier (not acceptable now so good luck with that!) at 16 — but we were less anxious as parents having run the gauntlet once before. He went to work as a labourer with a member of our extended family, learning immensely useful skills like how to get up really early everyday, how to listen to instructions and how to manage your meagre salary for a whole month! There is nothing more beneficial than those first few years of work experience to learn what the real world is like.

But when this son reached his twenties he was depressed and disillusioned with his ‘career path’ — so we repeated the process of looking at his ‘skills, good bits and talents’ and then supported him to find a new career path that was less stressful, more nurturing and where he would learn customer service, patience and determination. He studied as an apprentice hairdresser for 3 years and loved it.

I was very glad I was an ‘experienced’ careers advisor when it came to the turn of our third child to seek her fortune. Even with several years of experience by now I misguidedly dragged her kicking and screaming round university campuses pleading with her to use her immense intellectual ability to study at university before heading out into the vast world of work. I was on a hiding to nothing; she rejected my efforts and promptly went to work with her father in the family business.

She overhauled the business and gave it a much-needed boost of youth and enthusiasm before realizing that she was wasted and the world was waiting for her.

My daughter always aimed high, learnt fast and exceeded her goals — even as a small child she was telling headteachers how to run their schools more efficiently; practising her own 11 plus tests and marking them herself; challenging teachers to think differently. Her career path since leaving the safety of our family business has been trajectory and it is in no way any reflection on parental input. In fact it is all her own doing — hopefully helped along by a reluctant and resigned hands off approach from me and her father — her being the third child!

If I have any advice for parents going through this torture now it would be — try to take a step back. This process and time of life is undoubtedly stressful for parents but the majority of the stress comes from having to let go and watch your babies sink or swim on their own merit.

This is their time; their venture and they will face challenges. Our role is to point out the possibilities, alternative opportunities and to give them a little nudge occasionally when they are lost. Chances are they will ignore your suggestions or hopefully exceed your expectations but the path will be theirs — along with the salary and the enjoyment. Just be there to pick up the pieces if needed.

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You can follow Joy on twitter @joycooper44