“Give the right advice, even if it’s against your own benefit. Think about the other one. And take your time to give it.”
For those who know me (and those who don't), I like to talk a lot. But I also love to listen and learn. My brother told me once: “We have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk.” Smart. I Agree, it’s a bit difficult for me, but I agree.
Because I work with founders — where feedback is essential — I get frequently asked for advice. I like to write (obviously) the feedback I give because it lets me order my ideas and go deeper on my thoughts. The issue is that it takes a lot of the time, and its not as good as the feedback that comes up in conversations.
Giving advice on a 5min conversation (or while I pee –I know! It happened) it’s not my style. I think that good advice needs time and enough information. As I mentioned I like to go deep and this can only be achieved with time. That’s why I always like to mention that even if I can give you my opinion, you should understand the context and situation on which you are asking me (no time, no information).
With that said, here are some things I'm working on to improve the way I listen and hopefully, my advice will get better too.
1-Active Listening
2-Be the Audience
3-Empathy
4-Let it process
5-Ask the right questions
6-Interact
7-Ask for your feedback
1-Active Listening
The best way to listen actively (that I know) is, not to think about the answer or comment you are going to say next. My trick is to empty my mind by thinking about a completely random thought not applicable to the situation and then listening. The way my brain works (I have no idea if this is the same for others) is that, once I think about a random thought, my brain has difficulty to relate the thought to what I'm listening to, so it switches to absorb the sound so there is no conflict between both thoughts. I guess part of being polite and looking at someone eyes makes it also easier for my brain to not fly or day dream (which I do every day) and focus on the voice. Lower the volume of everything else and really listen to the one talking to you.
2-Be the Audience
To get the message delivered correctly you need to play your role of receiver. Most of the things someone tries to explain are not received in the same way that they are intended. So play your role and be the audience for that message. Don't try to be “yourself” but try to be the person you are supposed to be: a friend, a brother, a co-worker or just someone that listens.
3-Empathy
This is a very important part of giving good advice. Have empathy for the person that is trying to deliver the message. I have a strong accent so I have to live with this every day. Put yourself (in your mind) in the place of the other person, put yourself in her shoes. Its not only about accents but about our own biases and fears. Its hard when you are asking for advice and your are opening yourself to other person and showing your weaknesses. Understand how hard it is for the other person to express their thoughts and what they are going through.
4-Let it process
There is a study that says that the brain takes 7 seconds (seems to much) to process the information it’s trying to be deliver to us. So, don't throw out the first thing that comes to your mind. Take the time — a couple of seconds — so its sinks in your brain and can pick the best out of the complete information to later deliver the best advice. Maybe take one deep breath before you answer, this will get you a couple of seconds ☺
5-Ask the right questions
I'm a fan of Socrates method called “Socratic questioning”. The whole purpose is to uncover people’s own ideas and answers that they can’t see by themselves (but that they have in their brains). When we ask for advice on a topic in which we actually have most of the information, it’s probably that the answer to our question already resides inside of us. We just need to find the right path towards it. We do this by asking questions (the right ones) and having a conversation where we uncover new thoughts. My friends at university would tell me that I flipped all the time and that I was not consistent with my ideas. They were right (on the flipping thing). But I believe I actually was flipping because I couldn't get them out until I discuss them.
6-Interact
Part of giving the right advice is not only asking the right questions to obtain good answers but also have a conversation that brings out some laughs. I’m a strong believer that the more comfortable someone is, the more they would be willing to speaking about their problems and fears, and the better the explanations that they'll give. Bring random topics that will seem like it is unrelated but can actually help the founder express herself. I love to use metaphors or examples of other industries to try to explain the point of the question.
7-Ask for your feedback
Even if you are the one listening and you are the one that is supposed to give back advice, ask for it during the conversation (don't wait until the conversation finished). “Do you understand what I'm trying to say?” “Do I need to unpack or explain myself better?” “Can you relate to the story or does it have nothing to do with the subject?” Ask questions to know if you are leading or misleading the advice. You should not supposed (or be expected) to have all the answers. No one does. So ask for feedback while you are giving your advice and correct the course in case if its not going the right way.
