Liberals need to work on their communication skills
Well, everyone does, really. But especially liberals, and especially right now.
I spent the weekend at an event on a boat called Summit at Sea filled with rich white techie people (for the most part). Almost everyone was a liberal, and many were expressing some combination of sorrow, shock, and anger about the state of our country, but there was one thing I kept hearing over and over again that surprised me:
“What this election showed me is that there is a large percentage of our country that thinks very differently from me and I want to make it my mission to understand them better.”
No. Stop.
Actually I applaud the intention, but here’s my problem: we are not trained anthropologists. Our idea of “being understanding” will most likely lead to fights and increased tension. Before we can really understand someone else, we need to work on ourselves first.
Most of us have already been exposed to the same group of people that we’re now surprised exists. Remember that weird cousin or friend from high school that started “spouting conservative vitriol” on our Facebook news feeds and we either commented something nasty, or unfriended him, or just didn’t respond at all (which is roughly the same as far as Facebook’s newsfeed algorithm is concerned)?
We’ve already had the opportunity to engage in thoughtful, rational dialogue with someone who thinks differently from us, but it felt a lot more like dealing with an internet troll than doing noble anthropological work, so we didn’t bite. I have some news: go to the south or midwest and try to engage someone in a “rational” dialogue about politics, and most of us will probably end up in the middle of a fight like the ones we often see on our Facebook newsfeeds.
The core reason for this is that most people are not even remotely trained in dialogue, communication, and active listening.
“The single greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
The other day I heard a well meaning political discussion between a conservative and a liberal turn sour when the liberal brought up Mike Pence’s position on the LGBT community and conversion therapy (which is admittedly something people are justified in being really upset about). But by bringing up this issue in the way that it was brought up, it destroyed any semblance of communication and understanding.
The liberal may have started the conversation wanting to understand the conservative person’s point of view (everyone starts with good intentions) but then his intentions changed as the conversation progressed (at least as indicated by his behavior).
And that’s the core problem as I see it: Unless we know what issues are going to upset us and how to respond in situations in which we’ve been triggered, it’s going to be nearly impossible for us to continue to have a thoughtful, rational conversation with someone who holds very different beliefs and viewpoints from us.
I’m not saying don’t try, I’m saying that if we want to try, we need to arm ourselves with a skill set that we may not already have. So how can we do this?
- Learn a few conversational tactics: “Tell me more” when someone expresses an opinion and you think there’s more to explore (almost always), “How does that make you feel?” when someone has answered the previous question and you really want to get at something deeper, and practice taking a two second pause (literally count two beats) after someone is done talking to see if they have anything else to say (they usually do).
- Practice conversational mindfulness and learn your style under stress. For me, meditating (a use the Headspace app) has helped me to be aware of how I’m feeling physically and identify when I might be responding emotionally during a conversation. Start paying attention to physical signs (tight stomach, dry eyes, feeling your heart beat in your chest), emotions (fear, hurt, anger), and behaviors (raising your voice, pointing your finger, or getting quiet) in yourself and others. When you notice these signs, practice stepping back from the conversation, asking yourself what you really want in the conversation, and resetting to create safety.
- To dive deeper, I highly recommend two books: The first is called Crucial Conversations. It’s a fantastic guide to having difficult conversations, and I’ve actually created my own set of notes summarizing the main points so check it out. The second is called Just Listen. It’s a book on active listening that teaches us how to move a conversation past resistance and helps us understand how to listen more effectively.
At the state that our nation is currently at, I applaud the intention to connect rather than divide. But without the right skills, we’re going to end up going in circles and not getting anywhere. That’s a situation we want to avoid.
I hope that we take this opportunity to realize that our communication skills need to improve, and choose to work on ourselves first, before trying to “fix” other people. If we can do that, then I believe we can truly move this nation forward. If not, then I’m afraid we’re in for a bad four years ahead. The choice is ours.
