Growth Hacking for Assholes

Think Growth Hacking for Dummies, except it’s for Assholes

Okay, so you want to hack some growth. Incidentally, you are also an asshole. Here are the FIVE KEYS to hacking growth without having to face your personal insecurity, nor the uncomfortable process of forming original thoughts. Let’s DIVE IN…

1. BIG MISTAKE

We get it, overlay pop-ups work. But since you’re an asshole, you gotta make sure there’s no way for your prospect to reject your offer without admitting that they are making a gigantic mistake (just like your college sweetheart made when dumping you). Next to the “Submit” button on your sign-up form, make sure it says “No, I want to die alone and penniless, face down in a gutter, with soiled underwear,” or some equivalent.

2. REALITY DISTORTION FIELD

Lots of marketers waste their time with considering the actual wants and needs of their prospects. This does not hack growth. If you just presume your prospect wants what you’ve got, it will actually bend the fabric of the space-time continuum, and make it so. Try things like “does 2pm next Tuesday work for you?” (This works for Tinder as well: just send a picture of your genitals, with a link to your Calendly.)

3. PICK BRAINS

Try to find a friend who once shook hands with an influential person after a SXSW talk. Assholes are friends with other assholes, so, that friend will introduce you to said influential person without asking if that person is interested. Once the introduction is made, that person is not only your friend, they are also your personal property. They are thus obliged to allow you to “pick their brain,” or to make other introductions on the basis of nothing more than your deep-seated desire to validate your existence. If they don’t respond to your request, subscribe them to your email newsletter.

4. CHECK THE BOXES

It’s hard to hack growth if your users keep unsubscribing to your emails. Just make a new checkbox under email preferences. The cool thing about this is then everyone gets emails in that new category. It’s just like getting a new phone number after your ex blocks yours.

5. INCEPTION

Websites are so Windows ’95. You gotta have an app to hack growth. Every time someone is on your mobile site, make sure to remind them that life would be way better if they had your app installed. Remind them when they first arrive, and every time they click a “read more” link. If that doesn’t work, break into their house in the middle of the night, go into their bathroom, and write a note somewhere towards the middle of the roll of toilet paper.

There you have it. The FIVE KEYS for hacking growth. If you focus on these FIVE KEYS, you’ll eventually fill the gaping hole of insecurity and loneliness deep within the pit of your chest.