Modest Proposal: Let’s Sell Our Blood to Peter Thiel and Redistribute Wealth in America
Peter Theil’s quest to live forever makes for an exciting business opportunity.
Peter Theil is a billionaire venture capitalist who spawned out of the PayPal founders triumvirate in the late 90’s. While Elon Musk, who lives in a video game, is at least trying to push humanity, forcefully, in the direction that could maybe save it from impending ecological doom, Peter ain’t about dat life.
Look at how far we’ve come. In the Wolf-of Wall Street, “snort a pound of coke out of you know where” era (rip 1980–2000) the (usually) white (usually) male wealth was concerned about owning the biggest house, driving fastest car, the tiggest bits on the trophy wife (or longest, dongest schlong on the trophy husband).
Now? The billionaires are vying for longest life lived, baby.
Peter will invest his vast resources into himself in a weird demigod fantasy where he lives to be 300 years old sucking the blood of the young. I suppose his version of future events look like Fury Road, with him as Nux and Donald Trump as Immortan Joe.
From the source earlier this week:
Speaking of weird and unsavory, if there’s one thing that really excites Thiel, it’s the prospect of having younger people’s blood transfused into his own veins.
That practice is known as parabiosis, and, according to Thiel, it’s a potential biological Fountain of Youth
The guys over at Barstool Sports had the best take: No one is flinching that this dude just declared to a major publication that he actively wants to inject young peoples blood into himself. This is where we’re at with society, we blame the passenger who gets killed in a self driving car, we react ‘meh’ to a guy jumping from 25,000 feet with no chute sponsored by Stride gum, and we no longer assume ‘it’s just Florida’ when dude’s are out to drink some children’s blood.
However, once the general weirdness of the interview settles, my brain ignites.
We have something that they don’t.
Blood.
Lots of blood.
For once, do we — the folks in the middle — have the supply of that they need?
You can’t create true FRESH, ORGANIC, baby blood in an app, suckers.
Blood: Society’s Great Economic Leveler
On a societal level we are concerned with significant wealth floating (read: systematically pushing) to the top in this country and staying there. “Wealth redistribution” — AKA “how does the middle class get its groove back from the billionaires that rob them for sport” — is a hot hot issue.
It seems like wealthy people want to live forever (fine by me), middling folk… well we just want to be quasi-healthy, enjoy our limited time, run a few errands and die an opiate-satiated death at some point when we get old.
Even better for us now, we don’t even have to floss anymore! Things are looking up.
Peter’s blood-lust and the general lack of public “wtf, dude?” to it raises a unique opportunity. We should all rush to sell the living shit out of ours (and of course, our children’s) blood to Peter and begin the greatest wealth redistribution mechanism in the history of the world.
We own the new oil baby, and it’s renewable.
Our young blood for your old paper. Is there need for collusion? Abso-fucking-lutely. Like the great AFL-CIO movement of the early 1900’s, (before it was pulverized by, surprise: old money), we will unionize to negotiate price per pint to be sold… for eternity.
We start negotiations at $100,000 per pint for 21 & under blood.
$1M per pint for toddler blood, Peter.
Finally, a resource we have (young blood) in abundance that we can exploit to reverse the fiscal schism.
Unless of course, they kill us for it first.
And if eternity is worth it, surely they will.
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