Mylestoned Stops Getting Stoned
For immediate release — Feb 16, 2017 | Boston, MA
In a stunning move over the weekend, Mylestoned has dropped the D from their corporate name. The company will now be known as Mylestone.
While little details have emerged about the strategic rationale for the D-less Mylestone, it’s clear this was a premeditated action. According to inside sources, the company hired a “top 4” consulting firm to understand the uniqueness of Mylestoned’s brand.
The contract, said to be in the low 9 figures, sought to solve a complex question: just how many past tense companies exist on the planet?
The results established little credibility for the company’s original name choice. An anonymous source who claims to have reviewed the 437 page final keynote presentation, called it “an unrelenting lambasting of CEO Dave Balter’s choice to pursue such a risky name.”
Then added, “the guy’s a moron.”
Balter claimed flawed analysis, “This is all a result of fake news,” he pouted. “It’s just easy D bias. I just wish I’d hired Rob Biederman and Catalant [previously HourlyNerd]. They would have found more successful Ds out there for sure.”
Fake news or not, Balter may be missing the point. According to Wikipedia’s List of Company Name Etymologies page, companies ending in D are rare, and those ending in “-ed” are almost non-existent.
Janet Comenos, CEO of Spotted, was conflicted about the change. “I thought we were in this together,” mused Comenos. “First Dave begs me to name my company in the past tense. He was relentless. And now that I’ve committed, he just walks away. Shame on him. Shame. Shame on you, Dave Balter.”
The Marijuana Pivot
But sources close to the matter tell a different story for the sudden name change. In 2016’s elections, Massachusetts citizens voted to legalize marijuana, ushering in a new era of online searches by potheads, who are seeking leafly bud reviews, ganja ball recipes, and locations for marijuana dispensaries.
The impact to search results on Google (and even Bing, according to a majority of their dozen users), is obvious: buying search terms and ad units for anything with the word “stoned” in it is going to become extremely expensive.
“Every time we post an ad on Instagram, we have to spend hours cleaning weed-oriented commentary.”
According to Dan Pratt of AdHawk, an org that helps companies optimize their digital ad spend, searches for “stoned” have increased 840% in the past 3 months alone. In Winchester, MA — a sleepy suburb north of Boston which boasts a substantive population of middle-aged burners — an ad unit is now bidding as high as $400 a click.
“Forget ad sense or general search,” said Brett Logan, Growth Marketer at Mylestone, “every time we post an ad on Instagram, we have to spend hours cleaning weed-oriented commentary ,” he griped. “Every toke-fiend in the world smokes a blunt, and then thinks they’re the world’s greatest comedian.”
In Other News
In somewhat related news, concurrent with the name change Mylestone has also closed a $2.5M round of new financing led by True Ventures, with participation by Founder Collective, Boston Seed Capital and Converge VP.
The capital is intended to be utilized solely to fund the rebranding.
“We love the company, we love the mission, we would have supported whatever path the company chose” said Tony Conrad, partner at True Ventures, “But I for one am glad they flushed the D. Time to be in the present, man.”
For more information about Mylestone, contact Dave Balter.