Yahoo Notice of Data Breach
Or ‘Why aren’t you using Gmail?’
We are writing to inform you about a data security issue that may involve your Yahoo account information. We have taken steps to secure your account and are working closely with a guy we met in Starbucks last Tuesday who says he knows everything there is to know about cybersecurity.
Law enforcement provided Yahoo in November 2016 with data files that a third party claimed was Yahoo user data. We analyzed this data with the assistance of a Wikipedia article on ‘data’ and the ‘Stuff You Should Know’ podcast (data edition) and found that it appears to be Yahoo user data.
Based on further analysis of this data by Jane, an intern who has a top of the range MacBook Pro with one of those touch-sensitive bars, we believe Terry Bronzer, 36, left his USB drive, containing the user data of 2 billion Yahoo users in the battered iMac he was borrowing off his unscrupulous brother-in-law, Igor Stickotak, and did not retrieve the stick when handing it back to Stickotak.
What Information Was Involved?
The stolen user account information may have included names, email addresses, telephone numbers, dates of birth, hashed passwords (using MD5), names of pets, date of first kiss, reasons for hating parents, size of genitals, secret crushes, broken dreams, manuscripts about wizards that you’d actually written long before JK Rowling struck it big, and information relating to the time and location of your imminent death.
What We Are Doing
We are taking action to protect our users:
- We are sending you this email.
- We are suggesting you sign up for GMail.
What You Can Do
We encourage you to follow these security recommendations:
- Close down your Yahoo account like you’ve been meaning to do for years now.
- Use this security breach as an excuse to email all past partners, in the vain hope of rekindling these failed relationships.
- Recommend this article.
Additionally, please consider using Yahoo Account Key, a simple physical tool that literally unlocks your computer. An actual key.
For More Information
Visit Buzzfeed or Teen Vogue. Both companies know more about what’s going on than us.
Chief Information Security Officer (Ret.)