Trump’s Top Secret Tech Policy

“We have so many things that we have to do better, Lester, and certainly cyber is one of them.”

Draft policy paper prepared by Tom Mitchell. Oversight provided by Barron Trump, aged 10, DT transition team tech advisor.


Self-driving cars for immigrants

  1. Offer immigrants, illegal or otherwise, reduced-rate self-driving cars.
  2. Program cars to drive to Mexico.

Robotics & Healthcare

Cryogenics/Robotic Supreme Court judges

If we replace dead liberal judges with robot conservatives, the Supreme Court won’t be a problem — especially if current conservative judges are immediately placed in cryogenic suspension and so never die (check Constitution doesn’t mention robots/cryogenics).

Robotic Conservative heroes

Imagine a 50ft Ronald Reagan shooting rockets from his eyes. Good marketing for DT but could also fight ISIS/Canada if necessary.


What are these? They sound disgusting. Get rid of them.Social Media & the Internet

The Internet & Social Media

More white pages

Google homepage is mostly white. So: why can’t more pages be mostly white? Twitter and Facebook are mostly blue (Democrat). Why can’t they be mostly white? Why does Medium have black text on white background? Is this the right message? Why not white on black?

More fake news

“If the people believe there’s an imaginary river out there, you don’t tell them there’s no river there. You build an imaginary bridge over the imaginary river.”

This but with the news and using the Internet.

Make an internet for the women

To host pictures of cakes, hot guys (straight), mothering advice. Will prove DT’s administration does engage with the ladies. (Note — to contain no advocacy.)

(If trial successful, can roll out to the blacks.)


SimCity & Civilisation

Install these onto the government’s really big, fast computers, then grab a team of world’s top player geeks = planning issues solved & for like $30.

Federal subsidies for VR

If the administration are blocked by liberal forces* in making America great again, VR can provide ‘disgruntled’ ‘voters’ with the America these folk deserve. (Need to research apps that overlay a 1950s filter onto iPhone etc.)

*total losers!

Tech Corporations


Google to alter all internet mentions of ‘Mexico’ to ‘Mexino’. For obvious reasons.


Apple to return to standardised USB and headphone jacks. It’s like European and progressive otherwise. Not good.

National Security & Foreign Policy

Siri as Secretary of State

  1. She has all the answers*.
  2. We’ll have a woman in DT’s cabinet. (Ensure’s she’s set to a sexy female voice, though.)

*check this.

Greater links with Russia

Increase the number of wires that connect our Internets. Follow Putin on Twitter. (Does he have a Twitter? Is it the same in Russia? Twitski?)

Synthetic attack dogs

Trial as replacement for Secret Service team. Will be cost-effective in the long-term. And can be programmed not to look at DT in the eye. Will be on-brand.

Laser wall

Light is literally cheaper than brick. And easier to transport. Lasers can cut stuff. Ergo, erecting (shining?) a laser wall along Mexican border will look totally awesome, save money, and slice illegals. Get Lego to pay for it.


Lease UK some Internets when Brexit wrecks their economy.

Special Presidential Request

Hire Stephen Hawking to investigate time

If he can pull out a single second infinitely, no decisions will ever have to be made, inflation will remain under control, immigration will remain steady AND DT will be president forever. Great!


Ensure all 10-year olds get free Xbox live membership. And candy. Is candy tech? Anyway, candy. Put candy. C-A-N-D-Y.

Note 1this paper is both Top Secret and draft. Do not email links through personal email accounts. LOL.

Note 2 — check whether DT knows what ‘tech’, ‘internets’, ‘Google’, etc mean.