When Conflicts Go Remote
The Era of Working From Home Presents a New Set of Obstacles
“Conflict can and should be handled constructively; when it is, relationships benefit.” — Harriet B. Braiker
But how do you resolve these issues when the disagreement is with someone on the other side of the world? Someone you never can see physically? This article takes a dive into my own observations from working remotely and the methods I’ve used to first prevent, and second, mitigate.
Conflict Ethos
More often than not, a conflict — whether in-office or remote — is the direct result of poor communication. In many cases, it is the consequence of an environment that lacks (a) a platform for team members to speak their thoughts, or (b) a mission-critical objective that everyone is working toward. Although your personal situation may differ from those two, I want you to keep them in your mind as you continue reading. In many ways, they are the pillars that can prevent a large majority of conflicts from ever occurring.
But first, what does a remote conflict look like?
Types of conflicts
I’ve found that most conflicts in remote team settings end in three types of resolutions.
The win-win
In this example, both sides of the discussion will walk away with something to work on. Both sides feel they have been heard during the conversation. You always should strive to achieve this type of resolution when possible.
The win-lose
This resolution is less desirable, but still effective. Two team members discuss a dispute, but only one is left with a satisfactory takeaway. The other person may understand the reasoning for the outcome, but they still feel they did not get what they wanted. Although unfortunate, many discussions end this way. Because, ultimately, some resolutions can not satisfy both sides.
The lose-lose
This resolution is a tough pill to swallow, although it doesn’t occur too frequently. This scenario happens when both sides do not get what they were after. When this occurs, it’s more important than ever to make it clear that the topic is not a lost hope. Emphasize that their discussion left them with something to think about. I suggest even scheduling a follow-up meeting with both sides and letting them know that some time away from the topic can provide a fresh perspective.
Personal vs business
One of the things I’ve had to work on over time is understanding if a dispute between two team members is stemming from something personal, or from a more practical business dilemma.
It’s important to identify which, because it will lead to how you resolve the conflict. Personal issues between two team members often stem from past disputes, a sort of “build-up” until they turn vocal or, in our case, texted! It’s important to identify a) each team member’s personality, and b) how they’ve conducted themselves in past conflicts. These two observations should allow you to lean more heavily on one of your team members to be the more understanding party.
For example, let’s say the dispute is focused on a business issue that neither side can agree on, such as email marketing. One believes it should be done using option A, the other option B. The first step is to review your company’s documentation. Use any paperwork, digital notebooks, or Google Docs you have that clarify the proper approach. The team member who proposes a new and ultimately “different” solution actually may be right (even if the solution differs from that in the documentation). But those types of changes can’t be decided in a heated moment. It’s best to re-group at a later time and go over why that person’s approach may, in fact, be a better solution for your company. Stick to the facts!
Remember, your goal is to cool down a heated moment. This lets both sides know you are hearing them out and will re-group to discuss the matter in more detail at a later time.
Build & reciprocate trust
It’s not just about creating a space where conflicts are solved, but one where they can be shared without fear of repercussion.
Communication between managers and employees is best when there’s a space to be heard. In fact, trust has to be earned. How do you do that? How do you encourage your team to come forward and express their daily conflicts? What if they’re not happy with something that you did?
To foster that trust I encourage you to engage your team in exercises where gratitude and criticism for one another can be shared. In our agency, we created a basic Google form that allowed anyone to make two comments about another team member, anonymously:
- What has this person done that you appreciate?
- What can this person do to improve?
As a team leader it was incredible to see so many varying opinions. In fact, it made me realize just how difficult it is to share in a remote work environment. It’s easy to keep it bottled up in a remote setting because you don’t have to see people, which means you can hide behind “the black mirror.” of the computer screen. Additionally, I encourage all supervisors to communicate with their team as frequently as possible about how they are doing both inside and outside of work. Everyone wants to be heard and showing you care can make a world of difference.
Read between the lines
Those of us now thrust into the world of remote work no doubt will have experienced that pang of defensiveness when we get a curt answer via online chat. I’m a firm believer that channels such as Slack, Discord, Teams, and so many others are inherently slippery. People can say anything they want, messages can be edited and/or deleted, and there’s the ever-present feeling that it’s not really tangible. Of course, as you can imagine, this is not the complete truth.
Whether it’s a “yes”, “no” or “right”, we read it as a sign of disagreement, rejection, or just plain rudeness. But we don’t know if that person is in a rush to get on the next call, dealing with a screaming kid at home, or if it’s simply the way they communicate. When you can’t see someone’s facial expressions or body language, it’s easy to misinterpret. We tend to jump to conclusions and assume it’s about us.
In This is Water, David Foster Wallace spoke of how we’ve been hardwired to be self-centered. So, we all see the world through our own “lens of self.” But we can change how we look at things, and instead assume the best instead of the worst. So, my tip for remote work is to practice empathy first, and give the benefit of the doubt.
Make it tangible
What do you do when things can’t be solved through straightforward intervention? My best advice, and what has worked countless times in my workplace, is to get both parties (and yourself, the “interventionist”) on a conference call. This will make things less impersonal for the two sides in the dispute — “ leveling the playing field,” so to speak. It is drastically more difficult to convey heated opinions when you have to face someone else’s face and voice.
The face-to-face
What if your team members just can’t get things resolved? In this case, I recommend trying to move them to different focus areas, whether it be engaging with different clients, or working on different tasks that don’t overlap. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but sometimes people need that space (yes, even in the digital world) to recompose themselves and come back with a fresh perspective.
As mentioned earlier, many conflicts occur because of an existing personal disagreement between two individuals. It’s hard to change who we are, but it’s well worth it for everyone involved to identify what that issue really is, and work toward solving that first. If it’s something that can be solved with time apart, then so be it. You have to try everything possible.
As leaders, we’re constantly hurdling over financial, product, service, personal, and countless other issues on a daily basis. It’s natural to want to avoid conflicts between employees. Because it can feel like a waste of time. You might ask yourself “Why can’t they just figure their stuff out?!” I guarantee you no one enjoys having to resolve conflicts between team members, but it’s part of the job. So remember, focus on empathy, listening, and creating a space where people can share what they’re going through. If you do this well, you’re off to a great start already.
