7 Secrets to Effective Communication You Wish You Knew Earlier

Communication is not problem solving, but how to do problem solving better.

We’ve all been there: texting your crush late at night alone in your bed, while simultaneously asking the mastermind in your friend group for advice on how to perfectly frame your words. Whether it is for the sake of a flourishing relationship, or a potential business deal that could skyrocket your company, communication plays an essential role in almost every agreement we wish to reach.

Sadly, most of us suck at it.

The amount of time we tend to waste on having an ineffective communication is actually tremendous; all those sneaky implications that go back and forth not only drag a breezy conversation into a badly-written poetry, but also lower the chance of generating a satisfying result for both parties.

We’re all looking for an effective communication, yet instead of always blaming others on not being logical or reasonable, it’s finally time for us to sit ourselves down for some self-reflection, and fix the longstanding problem once and for all.

1. State what you want

Most people are selfish to some extent, it’s almost like a common sense; so stop saying “it’s all about what others want” — we know you’re lying. From the communication perspective, not expressing yourself fully creates a layer of uncertainty, and it takes effort for your counterpart to guess what you really desire. If you wish to start a healthy and effective conversation, be direct, and get to your point as soon as possible.

2. Content has nothing to do with manner

In terms of the way we communicate, there are actually two key components to it: content and manner; the problem is that most people mix the two up. Everyone wants direct and precise information while feeling respected and warm at the same time, yet it is important to note that being direct in content does not mean that you have to be direct in manner. You could be authentic and sincere with your tone, while still express your needs explicitly.

3. Constant feedback is necessary

Think of The Godfather or Goodfellas; remember all the mafia talks that often ended up with “are we good now”? Within conversations, there is always a need in us to get constant feedback from the others.

Try to always respond to things you heard, not only to the key points. It takes a lot of practice to do it well due to the fact that feedback takes on no real meaning if there is insufficient reflection put to it, yet once you master it, the difference would stun you.

4. Sandwich criticism is useless

We all know that friend who constantly slides in criticisms between all the flowers and glooms, thinking that none of us would realize his sneaky approach. Well, sorry Tom, we do. Sugar coating is a waste of everyone’s time. Stop doing it, simple as that.

5. Communication is not problem solving

We are often tempted to justify ourselves in conversations by saying: “Do you know what I mean?”, or “this is my point of view”. People who are unsure about themselves will constantly look for validation and support from their counterparts, yet it is never about being right or wrong — it’s about having the room for negotiation.

Always keep in mind that:

Communication is not problem solving, it is figuring out how to do problem solving better.

6. Focus on the future

It’s probably a global empirical fact that bringing up old deeds within an argument with your lover will never end well. Don’t focus on what happened in the past, focus on what’s in the future that needs to be established. Communication is the gateway from the past to the future; devote your time on figuring out what needs to be done to enable the future instead of pondering the past.

Present and future tense is always better than past or conditional tense.

7. Stop saying But

Let’s be honest, everything that is said before the word BUT is just a lie. In such cases, we are either lazy in our reasoning, or just lazy in accommodating other people’s thoughts.

Read your emails, see how many BUTs did you use. Now try to cut down all the BUTs, does your email already sound ten times more sincere?

Communicating might seem like an easy task, yet too many people dive into conversations with a wrong mindset, ruining this daily interaction that could have been something way more beautiful and effective. Next time when you’re trying to attract the colleague you have a crush on, or impress a business partner into signing a contract, try following the tips above. It will work wonders.

Originally posted on August 30th, 2017 by Leroy Yau. Edited on September 3rd, 2019 by Billy Kuo.