On Becoming Baby Sensible: Lessons from My First Six Months of Motherhood
When my baby was born last December, I thought I had done my research and was ready to hit the ground running. Boy, was I wrong. My downfall: too much faith that social science would give me all the answers. (Damn you, MPP!) Instead of feeling confident in my knowledge, I spent the first few months frequently thinking, “I must be doing something wrong.”
I’m no expert, and I’ve only been at this for six months. But I’ve learned some useful lessons. I’m sharing them in hopes of helping other new parents — especially those of us who love a good RCT (randomized controlled trial).
1) Get ready for unsolicited advice! I suppose this post essentially qualifies as such. I am officially part of the problem. Also, you probably already got a ton while you were pregnant. Fun!
2) Beware baby dogma. In other words, beware of sentences that start with “always” or “never.” As in, “never wake a sleeping baby” or “never nurse a baby to sleep.” I’m not saying you should do these things all the time, but if you do from time to time, don’t feel guilty. Obviously the exception is things your doctor says, like “never feed a baby honey.”
3) Beware false prophets (i.e., anyone promising an easy solution or quick fix). Newborns are often hard to take care of; they can’t tell you what’s bothering them. As a result, a huge market exists for books and professionals who offer easy answers. Unfortunately, there are none. Sorry.
4) On a related note: Sleep is hard. Period. There are tons of “experts” offering quick fixes and easy answers, but again, there are none. I read too much about sleep before my baby arrived, then I spent the first few months beating myself up because I wasn’t doing a good job of teaching my baby good sleep habits. We rocked him to sleep for every nap and bedtime for about 3 months. Ugh. But then…
5) Sleep training for the win (at least for us)! When my baby was 4.5 months and 14 pounds, we got the green light to sleep train. We followed a graduated extinction plan recommended by the wonderful Lacey Welker of LA Baby Doula. Based on my extensive research on sleep, my understanding is that there’s not a ton of great research on baby sleep habits. There is, however, some evidence that sleep training works. There is not a ton of evidence on the long-term effects of sleep training, but I found this brief article reassuring. Baby boy is still not a great napper, but he sleeps through the night, and we don’t have to bounce him to sleep six times a day. Hallelujah! But as this article points out, it’s important to do what feels right for you.
6) Your baby does ___? It’s probably normal. I spent so much time worrying that my baby was doing abnormal things. He takes forever to eat. Now he pops off the breast all the time. Now he eats like 3 ounces and needs a break then eats 3 more. His naps are super short. He naps five times a day. His “schedule” changes every day. Whenever I consulted experts (e.g., doctor or lactation consultant), they almost always said, “Yep, that’s normal.” Obviously not everything a baby does is normal, but a lot of the annoying sleep and eating habits are.
7) When you’re worried that something is abnormal, avoid the internet. Talk to your doctor and/or consult Baby 411. Baby 411 is a great resource — it has answers, and it helps you identify when you should be talking to your pediatrician. The internet is a dark hole of terror, misinformation, and judginess — mostly. Obviously this post is one of the exceptions, amiright?
8) Feed your babe. If you want to give breastfeeding a shot, lactation consultants are your friends. Ask to see a lactation consultant every day you’re in the hospital, including the day your baby is born. I had all kinds of issues related to breastfeeding, and I think I might have avoided some if I’d seen a lactation consultant on day one. I did start seeing one soon thereafter, and I can confidently say I was able to breastfeed because of her advice and support. At the same time, don’t get sucked into the breastfeeding dogma/guilt vortex. If your baby needs some or all formula, do it. Your baby will be fine. Do what’s best for you, and most importantly, make sure your baby is getting food!
9) Gather information. Synthesize and evaluate with a critical eye. Ask yourself, what sounds sensible? Pick something to try. If it doesn’t work, repeat. This was really hard for me. I thought if I could just find a good meta-analysis, I’d have all the answers. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to research stuff related to pregnancy and babies — for ethical reasons and because (I’ll say it again) babies can’t tell you what they want. Eventually I realized there are some things about babies that are unknowable: those pesky known unknowns (thanks, Donald Rumsfeld). You just have to make a smart guess.
10) Get advice from friends you trust. It’s like consulting an internet message board, but filtering out all the people you would think are nuts. One caveat: Beware of people who are absolutely sure that their baby is perfect because of something they did. As we all know, correlation does not equal causation. An example: a friend of mine had twins. One was easy, one was hard. If she’d had only the easy baby, she would have thought she was a great mom. If she’d had only the hard baby, she would have thought she was a terrible mom. Perhaps your friend is the best mom ever. (Maybe her spouse was correct when he posted that on Facebook last Mother’s Day.) To return to my favorite nugget of wisdom from Rummy, whether her baby’s awesomeness is nature or nurture is a known unknown. Just like your babe, except you can maybe take some credit for the good genes.
Mamas and papas: What would you add? Share some unsolicited advice in the comment section below!
