A Blog Post That’s NOT*

About Robot Zombie Nazis and/or Jake Busey

If there is one thing that’s kinda shitty about South American travel it’s the insufferably long, hot, crowded bus rides on travel days.

Reading a book or a magazine will make you carsick. You have no wifi. Your entertainment options are bleak.

If you’re really lucky on these bus trips you fall asleep and wake up only a few hours out from your destination. If you are not so lucky, you pretty much have two choices to entertain yourself: (1) you can play “guess that smell”; or (2) you can watch whatever totally great movie they are playing on the bus.

Yesterday’s totally great movie was a drama about Nazi Zombies living at the center of the Earth. From what I can tell with my limited knowledge of Spanish, I believe the Nazis were also New Zealanders. And it starred Jake Busey. As you can probably imagine, this film was superb.

Now, normally I am the bus sleeper in the family and it unfortunately means I miss a lot of the totally great South American bus movies. But yesterday something strange happened. I looked over to my left to ask Brittany a question and she was sleeping. It’s rare for her to be able to fall asleep on a bus so I didn’t want to wake her. At the same time she fell asleep at the most inopportune point possible — right as the movie was starting to heat up.

Should I wake her or let her sleep? I knew she probably needed the sleep, but I also didn’t want her be feeling all FOMO-y for falling asleep and missing a critical M. Night Shaymalan-esque plot twist. What a dilemma.

Fortunately for her, she married a genius and I came up with a brilliant, win-win solution. I took screen shots of the movie and wrote a summary of all the action she missed.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Without further ado:

After you fell asleep we find out that Jake Busey is not just a mild mannered doctor on a spelunking trip with his friends. In a shock to all his comrades, he’s actually in cahoots with the Zombie Nazis and has figured out how to bring back Hitler’s cryogenically frozen head to life.

Also, Hitler is now a robot.

Under the new command of Robot Hitler, the Zombie Nazis decide they’re tired of living underground and launch out from Middle Earth in a spaceship to begin the Fourth Reich.

One of the good guys tries to escape and Robot Hitler displays his dominance by chasing after him and impaling him, definitively proving that you can’t run from Robot Hitler.

After that there’s this whole scene about the Zombies wearing other people’s skin, which I had a hard time following due my limited Spanish skills, but I thought I should include here because it seemed important to the plot.

Then Yada yada yada

Finally, after most the good guys are killed, the heroine (Paige) says to Hitler “kiss my ass” and lures him out onto a snowy glacier.

Through a stroke of good luck, she and her romantic counterpart don’t get impaled or shot by the lasers coming out of Robot Hitler’s chest. Instead they manage to find Robot Hitler’s one weak spot and stab him in the neck with a syrum, putting fascism to rest once and for all. The ice cracks below and Robot Hitler sinks down to the bottom of the sea.

The main protagonist dude (I forget his name) then pulls a ring box from his pocket and proposes to Paige right on the motherfucking glacier. I know, right? I cried a little bit too.

She says “yes!”

Then he asks where she’d like to go in their honeymoon. She looks around at all the snow and then says “somewhere warm!”

The End.

I love you and you’re welcome.