Unveiled Ignorance
In the first edition of Statecraft’s debut gossip column our secret insiders tell all about the avo toast munchers of PPE and Launch Party fiascos
The Juicy Scoop on Provocative PPE
“desperate for attention”
Hold onto your designer handbags folks, because this week’s UQPPES launch party was a rollercoaster ride of cringe-worthy moments and eyebrow-raising fashion faux pas! Leading the charge was the society’s very own madam president, Hannah Stevens, rocking shin banger Jorts in an attempt to stake her claim for classiest PPE’er in 2024. Following suit, some PPE society members went all out with their costumes, putting their dignity (or lack thereof) on the line for the sake of the theme!
In a move that could only be described as “bold” (or perhaps “desperate for attention”), PPE’s own Sponsorships VP Sam (AKA ‘Slippery’), graced the red carpet sporting a saucy crop top that had us all scratching our heads in confusion. Forget the classic hard hat or chic safety glasses — Slippery decided to go for the “barely there” look, flaunting more midriff than a beach during spring break.
But wait, there’s more! According to sources (translation: our subbies who overheard something in the bathroom), Slippery’s fashion statement was meant to be a groundbreaking declaration of self-expression. Because nothing screams “individuality” quite like wearing the same outfit your sister wore to Coachella ‘05.
Not to be outdone, fourth-year extraordinaire Jonty decided to join the circus of chaos by strutting onto the proverbial red carpet wearing… wait for it… plastic bags as shoes. Yes, you read that correctly. Plastic. Bags. As. Shoes. Because who needs Jimmy Choos when you can raid the recycling bin, am I right?
In an event directly challenging the Met Gala for best fashion looks of the year, we saw a lot more than just the devastating looks mentioned above! Stay tuned for more scandalous event insights!!
p.s. if you’re wondering what Slippery is measuring there… so are we 😉
The Jorts to end all Jorts
“I value comfort over coherence”
In a world inundated with fashion faux pas, one garment reigns supreme in its absurdity: Hannah’s Jorts. These denim disasters, reminiscent of a bygone era of questionable style choices (and political views), serve as a poignant reminder that some trends should remain buried in the archives of fashion history. With their inexplicable length, Hannah’s Jorts boldly proclaim, “I value comfort over coherence”. Yet, in their audacious defiance of all that is chic and sensible, they inadvertently become a symbol of rebellion against the tyranny of the well-dressed (but not some political leaders). So, here’s to you, Hannah’s Jorts, for bravely challenging the status quo, one awkward hemline at a time.
Seeing GREEN!!!
“The grimy avo industry has tricked us hip kids”
If there’s one thing we know IS ruining the economy, it’s not fossil fuel lobbyists, or corporate greed — it’s avo on toast. Hiding behind a facade of nutritious, green-goddess LIES, this eerily tasty breakfast option is placing our delicate society on the fast-track to climate destruction and political incontinence. Like me, you might think, “well how can this be? I love a good schmear of avo on my ancient seeds and grains loaf in the morning”. And like me, you would be a fool. The grimy avo industry has tricked us hip kids into thinking that we are obligated to chow down on some guac, or enjoy a cheeky avo smoothie to rectify our “unhealthy” diets, or deal with our “IBS”. And who’s more likely to fall hook line and sinker than PPE’s own Ipswich representative.
Known only as “ the Munch”, this individual has been seen eating avo toast at trendy Coorparoo cafe Balance and Blend on at least eight occasions by this magazine’s insiders. Let alone the number of avo toasts the self-titled avo-advocate has eaten at home! Who’s to say they’re stopping at avo toast, maybe it’s an avo sandwich, or a trendy avo salad to finish the day off! All the while their monstrous choices are wreaking havoc on ecosystems and farmers hither to undreamt of. Dear reader, don’t be an avo-advocate like “the Munch”, and make sure you say no to the green stuff and eat some good old weetbix. Stay tuned for next week’s saucy piece…
This article was written by the Ethical Eavesdropper.
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