Staying Safe in the World of Virtual Dating
When I started doing some virtual dating a few months ago, I didn’t realize how much of an education it would be and moreover, how much I would need to be adamant about my own safety. When a friend of mine suggested I try the dating app, Coffee Meets Bagel, I thought why not? After ending a relationship earlier this year, I thought it was time to put myself out there.
While I would say that the overall selection of men on the app has been pretty good, better than I expected in fact, I have realized that navigating the waters of virtual dating can sometimes be murky. Dating apps tend to have a more casual reputation than dating sites and you will find men who just want to hook up. If that is what you’re looking for, then you will find many to choose from. If you are more discriminating or looking for something more serious, you will definitely want to set some boundaries. I think it’s important that all women who are dating on an app or online should be vigilant about their own safety and not assume men will take on that role. With our current climate where predators are coming out of the woodwork, and while all men aren’t predators, it can’t hurt to be careful.
You may have heard about the story that was recently trending about the twenty-four year old Nebraska woman was killed by her date, another woman, who she met on Tinder. Last year in Seattle, a forty year-old Mom was killed by a man she met through Match.com. Their first and last date ended with her murder with her body parts being strewn around the city. As women, we are taught to be compliant and passive and to give in to a man’s requests and demands. It’s time we smarten up, ladies, and be extra careful about our own safety because unfortunately we can’t count on people we don’t know to have our backs and value our safety. We need to protect ourselves.
While I never thought I’d be single as I’m staring down fifty, here I am and in the quest to find my forever guy, I’ve found myself on an app because that’s what we do today. While I still mingle when I’m out and about, it’s the easiest access to the dating pool.
The reason I didn’t get on an app sooner was because I got to the point where I got so fed up with online dating a few years ago that I practically swore if off forever and took a very long break. The woman being murdered in Seattle where I live didn’t help. While I know a couple of women who refuse to date virtually, I don’t want to let a couple of bad apples ruin it for me and I feel that listening to my gut is the best thing I can do and that it won’t steer me wrong if I pay attention.
While I have friends and acquaintances who have met their significant others online on sites such as JDate and Match.com, we all have our horror stories and a good friend of mine was recently scammed. Recently, I’ve found that men who are in their early twenties are letting me know their interest on the app. It’s pretty clear they only want one thing, sex, and that their perception of me may not be all that positive. Why would a 23 year-old man want to hook up with a forty-nine year old woman? I’m guessing there could be a Cougar fantasy at play here.
Because of these way younger guys (who I’m not interested in talking to) showing a supposed interest in me, it has forced me to set very strong boundaries and to only correspond with men who are respectful and kind. That is my personal preference and it’s what makes me feel comfortable in a virtual dating scenario. If someone wants to meet me late at night during the week, no thank you. I’ll pass. If someone shows signs of mental instability or a personality disorder right from the get-go, I’ll pass. It’s not worth it to me.
The first man I corresponded with on Coffee Meets Bagel informed me right away that he was impulsive and boy, he wasn’t kidding. His impulsivity mixed with a possible fetish fantasy caused me to steer clear, block him on my phone, and report his inappropriate offline behavior which included very graphic sexual talk and stalker like behavior. Ultimately, I didn’t feel he took my safety seriously and why would he? He was a stranger who was probably looking to hook up and was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear for his own purposes. I chose to block him and report him because I didn’t feel safe. Don’t ever be afraid to report someone or worry about how you are perceived, for example not being nice. Your safety and your life are more important. As women, let’s lose some of our conditioning.
Regardless of your age, you could be the target of a man (or woman) seeking a fetish hookup if you are bi-sexual or trans. Folks looking for a fetish can be hard to spot because they will likely tell you what you want to hear, not necessarily the truth or their true intentions. Be careful of anyone who is extremely pushy and who doesn’t respect your boundaries. While you may like the attention, someone who is aggressive and pushy could turn out to be a dangerous person who just wants to please him or herself.
A co-worker turned me onto an app called Stud or Dud. While the information on the app isn’t super up to date, you can run a preliminary background check on someone you are chatting with. When I looked up a recent ex, the app let me know he was likely married. It is a good tool for all women who are dating virtually. Recently a man who I was texting from the Coffee Meets Bagel app sent me a link in a text that included his full name. Within seconds, an internet search led to me a police report and an assault and battery charge. When I looked him up on Stud or Dud, he had a very extensive criminal history. While many of the citations were traffic tickets, there were a couple of charges that gave me serious pause and confirmed my initial decision to stay away from him. After finding evidence of criminal activity, I reported him to the app and blocked him.
Recently a scary trend has emerged: the Scammer. You will want to be very careful and wary because scammers aren’t just on dating sites. They’re also lurking on social media and I believe I’ve been the target by several on Facebook. Scammers tend to be very handsome and ultimately too good to be true. The scammer profile includes someone who works in the military or as an engineer, as well as being someone who has attained mid to high level status in their company or industry if they are non-military. Many scammers claim to be widowers with a young child and a telltale sign is that their written English is terrible. If Mr. Gorgeous claims to be from the United States, but cannot string together a cohesive sentence beware! Misspelled words and poor grammar are the norm and if you are an average looking woman, be careful if a man approaches you with flattery and comments such as “you are too attractive for this site or app.” I’ve also heard that scammers tent to prey on women who they think are easy targets, perhaps someone who hasn’t dated a lot and could be inexperienced or someone who is of a certain age (older) and single. Be careful because any woman online or on an app can be the target of a scammer.
When I felt I was approached by a scammer on a dating app, I took immediate action, no messing around.
The thing I’m most proud of during my recent dating tenure in the virtual world, is that I haven’t been afraid to speak my truth and stand up for myself. After all, my safety is the most important thing and I haven’t been afraid to let potential suitors know this. If a man makes me feel unsafe for any reason, I listen to how my body is feeling and stop the interaction, no questions asked and no explanation necessary. I would rather risk disappointing a stranger than putting myself knowingly or unknowingly in harm’s way. We must protect ourselves and our safety in an unsafe world. It’s time we start listening to our instincts and put ourselves first. Stay safe out there in the virtual dating world and make sure to listen to your gut.
