Trump to Access Hollywood “I said PARSLEY you idiots.”
Donald Trump, in a reversal to yesterday’s apology for remarks he made about women in 2005, denied ever making the statement.
In a pre-dawn tweet, which has defined the Id-driven, social-media campaign for Trump, the Republican nominee simply wrote “@accesshollywood the word was PARSLEY #idiots!!!”
In a written statement posted on his Facebook page this morning, Trump further clarified this new revelation, which seemed to contradict yesterday’s statement.
“I eat when I am upset. And when so many people were denouncing me for something I had allegedly done a decade ago, I felt alone. So I raided the fridge for something to comfort me,” said Trump.
“I love Tabbouleh,” he continued, “which is strange for me because it’s middle eastern and you now how I feel about those people. But that side dish is made with fresh PARSLEY. I snacked on a few mouthfuls of that, and I had this ‘AHA moment.’ What I said was PARSLEY, it’s as clear as day. Irrefutable.”
Trump further backpedalled on his apologetic remarks. “Yesterday, I said ‘I had done things I regret… and I apologize.’ But that was only because I did not have enough time to really remember. But today, I do. It was PARSLEY.”
Trump went on to describe the “terrible” eating habits of Bill Clinton, and and Trump’s own love for the healthy and vibrant taste of the vitamin-k-rich herb.
“Bill Clinton eats Mcdonalds. I eat Parsley. Who do you think has better bowel movements? Bill would need a squatty potty the size of Trump Tower to be my equal in the elimination department,” said Trump, in a jab against the former President. However; the real damage of those comments were probably the two new brands, Mcdonalds and Squatty Potty, which he brought into the conversation.
An aproned Trump later doubled-down with a video of himself chopping parsley in his kitchen, for oven-roasted potatoes.
“Everyone knows I love parsley. It’s not just a garnish, this aromatic herb tastes great in dishes as well. I want to make love to it with my mouth, yes. That’s called eating. Again, Guilty of that,” Trump said adamantly, “but I am not guilty of the terrible things Bill Clinton had done to Monica Lewinsky.”
During the 45 minutes required at 350 degrees to make the potatoes, Trump continued on the attack.
“You know that saying about the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? And this reference to ‘PARSLEY’ was a more contemporary derivative of that adage,” he continued, “I was like, I’m a celebrity. If I want some fresh PARSLEY I will grab it. I never settle for the dry stuff.”
Mike Pence, via Twitter confirmed Trump’s claim.
“I’ve eaten many meals with Mr. Trump,” he said. “While most people will leave the orange or parsley on the side of the plate, he will eat it. He says it works better than a tic-tac.”
‘Access Hollywood’ had it wrong
Trump has a bone to pick with Access Hollywood for putting forward such a piece of “hoo hah” but also the rest of the liberal media that used a clearly edited piece of tape for their own ratings.
“When I bragged about kissing and groping, it wasn’t about women, it was speaking figuratively about the culinary herb rich in flavonoids,” he said. Some people love ice cream, some people love Trump Steak, I love Parsley. I’m a very simple man like that.”
Trump claims the comments were completely taken out of context, and the recording itself was “doctored” to make him sound less like a fun-loving foodie looking to make America Great Again, and more like a womanizing, former President, who brought it down.
“Hey, Billy Bush and I were engaging in a little small talk,” said Trump, “the guy seemed a bit gay so I was indulging him. Gay guys make me nervous, you know? He mentioned how homemade pesto is better than store bought, but was complaining about the current crop of basil being a bit bitter. I said, Billy, have you ever tried PARSLEY in it’s place? This year’s crop is beautiful.”
Trump also stressed that the remarks captured by the live microphone were severely edited, and a voice impressionist changed “Parsley” to “P***y,” which is one of Bill Clinton’s favorite words.
“Once again, the media got it all wrong” said Trump, “and when I am eating a broad bean, blue cheese, and PARSLEY pizza tonight at the debate, the world will know the truth.”