I write because I must.

In life, I’ve had few things that speak so loudly in my psyche.

I woke full of energy just to write.

It’s an elevated form of talking to yourself. We want to make sure we hear it.

I’m scared to write.

Scared to speak up and say what’s on my mind. To be transparent.

I’m turned off by other people’s transparency bc I don’t always feel like it’s authentic.

and I’m always waiting to be a little better, a little more accomplished, a little wiser, a little cooler…

I’m scared people won’t give a fuck. Why would they?

Aren’t we preoccupied with all the troubles in our lives already?

In a sea of noise, I’d hate to add to it hoping to be a voice that people want to listen to.

Perhaps it’s a fear of feeling insignificant when I’m not validated. “see? I told you no one cared.”

I write because I must.

When we hold ourselves back from the world, we hold the world back from ourselves in turn.

We think we’re hiding ourselves from the world, but we are trying carefully to select only the parts that won’t hurt us or disrupt our fragile peace.

It’s an illusion.

I resist every time someone says I inspired them. “Really?”

or that I should help motivate others.

It feels cheap. They’re just words. You asked me, I answered.

I’m scared to write.

because I know my past.

I start something and don’t see it through.

I don’t just let the people who were looking out for my work down, I let myself down too.

I get inspired to do a thing and then…

I’m not so good yet to find my balance between work, romance, friends, family, lifekeeping, housekeeping, and side projects.

Often I remind myself that ‘nothing matters’, a woke-justified way of self-sabotaging.

Shouldn’t I just remain invisible, make money, and ‘enjoy life’, sharing it with just a select few?

but I am writing today because I must.

Because life is up to us.

and we get to say that this time is different because this time we’re different.

We’re better.

People do change.

Things do change.

& I am here to show it.

08.28.2020