Moms Vs. Alone Time
Several years ago I came up with an awesome book title, “Scheduling my meltdown”. I haven’t had time to write that book, or even really to schedule my meltdown, but I think it is something all of us do. We show up strong. We hold it together. We get through those meetings, we hug our kids, we support our spouses, and we quietly, calmly go cry in the bathroom. But even the ability to cry alone in the bathroom is a privilege not seen by moms of toddlers. I don’t think there is a mom who hasn’t seen those little fingers reach under the bathroom door when all you want, more than anything, is one minute to yourself.
Admit it working moms, sometimes you enjoy going to work because you get to go to the bathroom by yourself. There’s no shame in enjoying that. Bring your phone and some headphones, watch some YouTube, embrace the moment. This is your you-time. But in “these unprecedented times” we don’t even have that any more.
One of my close friends and I used to dream about working from home. Early on in the pandemic we agreed that this is the kind of time with our kids we used to wish for when they were babies. But now here we are, and they are with us all. The. Freaking. Time. And given the pandemic and proper social distancing, we don’t even get to unwind with our fellow moms at the wine bar a couple times a year. We love our kids. We love being around our kids. But we are human. And sometimes humans just want to take a shower without a little person poking their head through the curtain. I feel you, moms.
I took an informal, very unscientific survey of my friends and nearly 100% said that they have on more than one occasion pretended a zoom meeting lasted longer than it actually did, just so that they could have some alone time.
Speaking of surveys, in my work we asked moms if they had access to any of the services (behavioral health, medical care and 8 other vital services) that could help them manage — and it’s a nightmare out there for large percentages of moms. (Yes, we wrote an entire book called 100% Community about these disparities, and yes I know you don’t have time to read it.)
Moms aren’t allowed to catch their breath. We’re Atlases with the literal weight of the world on our shoulders, and that world is a breast pump and several tote bags filled with expired snacks, diapers, computers, phone chargers and our crumpled attempts at getting organized. Oh, and also make sure that you look fashionable carrying all that crap. Those ergonomic bags might feel better on your back, but you know you want the Kate Spade tote.
This pandemic provides an opportunity to rethink how we operate. When things go back to normal, do we really need to go back to having the time spent driving from the office to picking up the kids as the only “break” we get? There have been countless scientific and unscientific studies that show that employees are more productive if they take regular breaks. Studies also show that those breaks are even more effective if you spend them doing some type of self-care like meditating, exercise, or yoga. But I guarantee you if someone had walked in on me meditating or doing yoga when I worked in a state government office, it would not have gone over well no matter how many scientific studies I sent my boss.
Why is doing anything that can be remotely perceived as self-care frowned upon? Who decided that we have to sit in an office giving the appearance of working 8 hours a day 5 days a week, and during those hours you better not enjoy yourself? I know exactly who — people who didn’t have to do other stuff. People who went to an office for those hours, and then came home and relaxed. Let’s call them “men” (in our latest book, Attack of the Three-Headed Hydras, we describe how apathy, envy, and fear prevent change). Let’s face it. Our current work system is out of date, and “these uncertain times” are exactly the times to change that. Let’s admit that we are all exhausted, we could all use some alone time, and we all do better if we don’t feel like we have to schedule our meltdowns. Maybe we can even avoid meltdowns altogether by actually taking care of ourselves.
If you’re a boss, encourage your staff to take breaks, to take care of themselves. I promise you, they will do better work. If you have a boss, maybe gently introduce them to some of those scientific studies I was talking about. Here’s an easy one to read: https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/productivity-workday-52-minutes-work-17-minutes-break-travis-bradberry-pomodoro-technique.html
In the meantime if you’re working from home right now, take those breaks. Try it. Stop for 20 minutes. Just do it. Tell your family you have a really important meeting and go sit and do nothing for 20 minutes. See how much better you feel if you do that regularly.
We are superwomen. We know that. We can do anything. But let’s stop pretending that we can do it all while we silently scream inside. You probably encourage the other people in your life to take care of themselves, but you need to set the example. You are worth it, and your family will do better if you are not constantly in need of escaping to the bathroom for a quick moment alone. Imagine a world where you can relax and catch some alone time on a chair instead of a toilet. I know it’s a big dream, but I truly believe with a little support we can make it happen.
PS. I am publishing this article on the eve of election day. I am praying hard for all womenfolk (and manfolk) that our nation makes the right choice. Through a series of unusual events, I ended up on a zoom call today with Tom Roberts, aka Tom Foolery. I think we all need to watch this video again and remember, it is up to us to decide what the new normal looks like. As he said on that call, “If you do nothing, you can be sure nothing will happen.” https://youtu.be/Nw5KQMXDiM4
Fight! Survive! Thrive!
Please excuse any typos as I construct articles late at night, and often with a tiny dog on my lap. These stories are mine and mine alone. I do not represent any organization here. Yes, despite my complaining, I realize many men are equal partners who are in this battle with us. I’m married to one of them. Images ©Dominic Cappello. Questions? Check out my books Attack of the Three-Headed Hydras , Anna, Age Eight, and 100% Community here: www.tenvitalservices.org.
