are we having fun yet?
Yesterday, I came across this article, “Concerts Don’t Have to Suck: The Rules,” on The Awl. The headline seemed a little off, but hey, lots of headlines are intentionally written like that in order to encourage clicks.
Turns out the author doesn’t much like concerts at all, and seems to continue going to them only to make an appearance and because concerts “can’t be pirated.” The piece itself presented ten “rules” that struck me (and several other readers, it seems) as very questionable.
Then I decided I can’t rightfully jeer at The Awl’s list unless I make one myself.
Concerts Actually Don’t Suck At All (Generally), But Here’s How To Make Them Even Better:
Rule #1: Keep tabs on your favorites so that you don’t miss out. You can’t enjoy the concert if you didn’t know about it. I used to get Pollstar email alerts; these days, it’s artists’ email lists/tweets, venue email lists/tweets, and the Songkick iPhone app. Some of those sources will announce certain shows long before any others, so the overlap comes in handy.
Rule #2: Skip the stadium/indoor arena shows, which aren’t worth it, for the most part. Nothing beats small clubs.
Of course, some artists are popular enough that the idea of seeing them at a small club is laughably unrealistic. In these cases, the show at the Mega Some Bank Brand Some Website Arena is your only option. Go for it if it’s a legendary “must see once in your life” artist or is likely to be an entertaining spectacle.
In 2005, I saw the Rolling Stones in a college football stadium. Legends? Of course. Fireworks-filled spectacle, complete with several Mick Jagger costume changes? Oh, yes.
Rule #3: Know your seating chart. If you go to the same seated venues more than once, you start noticing the ins and outs of the different sections. At one particular theater, for instance, you don’t want to be in Row A. (Yeah, you thought that sounded like a good idea, too.) It’s right in back of a small front section, but because the floor hasn’t started sloping upward yet in that area, you can’t see anything.
Other factors to note for future reference: speaker proximity, bar proximity (that’s a noisy distraction and a bad thing, unless you need to follow rule #11 in The Awl’s list), giant structural beams in your line of sight. No, those seats won’t always be listed as “obstructed view.”
Rule #4: Get up front. For general admission shows, it pays to get as close to the stage as you can.
You might have to show up early to do so. You might not have to. Physical closeness forges a better connection to the artist, the music, and the lead singer’s dreamy blue eyes (if applicable).
But seriously, the genuine fans (i.e., those who came to the concert to listen to the music) are more likely to be up front. The loud, drunk, “let’s talk about my job and my boyfriend” talkers who can ruin a concert — especially a solo acoustic show — in no time with their incessant yapping are more likely to be lingering near the middle or back. Stay far away.
Rule #5: No, music festivals absolutely can be a great deal. Go. I don’t remember exactly how much I paid for my ticket to Austin City Limits in 2007, but I saw [at least partial sets by] Bob Dylan, Wilco, My Morning Jacket, Lucinda Williams, Spoon, Indigo Girls, Regina Spektor, Crowded House, Steve Earle, Devotchka, M.I.A., Andrew Bird, Pete Yorn, Peter Bjorn and John, Blonde Redhead, Preservation Hall Jazz Band, Midlake, Fionn Regan, and more.
Do you know how much those would cost individually? Plus, I could’ve seen Björk, The Killers, Muse, Arcade Fire, Dr. Dog, and the Decemberists, too. And the White Stripes, if they hadn’t dropped out last minute. Festival sub-rule #1: Music outdoors is automatically better. Festival sub-rule #2: When you start hallucinating (without having taken hallucinogens), take a break.
Rule #6: Get acquainted with the opener(s) before the show. Ah, the opening act: the one standing between you and the artist you came to see. Fortunately, in the age of Spotify and album livestreams on artists’ websites, you can easily explore the opener’s music in advance, free of charge. Maybe you’ll become a fan and then get to enjoy 1.5-ish concerts for the price of one. At the very least, familiarity with at least a few songs will make that 45-minute set go a lot faster.
Rule #7: Check out the merch selection when you arrive, then buy it after the show. Unless you plan on buying the tiniest of band memorabilia, like a keychain.
Carrying things around is annoying all the time. It is especially annoying when you’re crammed in a room with a few hundred other people and/or just want to move. You will try to clap, and your brand-new band T-shirt will wind up on the floor, where it promptly will be stomped on and covered in beer.
Rule #8: Put your phone away. Not a “kids these days” lecture. The fact is, a concert just isn’t as much unencumbered fun when there’s a phone between you and the stage. You want to take pictures? The band going to look pretty much the same from one song to the next.
Take a bunch of photos during the first song, or the last song, or that one song you never really liked as much, maybe again when that surprise famous guest musician takes the stage, and watch the rest of the show through your eyes instead of a little screen. Even music journalists often aren’t allowed to hang out in front with their cameras for more than the first few songs.
Rule #9: If you’re happy and you know it… show it.
Many hipsters keep a certain minimum distance between their standing position and the stage. They do not dance, move, or sing along to songs. If they’re feeling particularly enthusiastic, they may allow a subtle nod or two. This is why concerts filled with hipsters are less fun than other concerts. Not everyone likes to dance or sing, but there’s no need for a mask of indifference. Audience vibe can make or break a show. Glowsticks are optional.
Rule #10: Meet the band afterward. Sometimes, artists will mention on stage that they plan to sign CDs at the merch table afterward. In this case, you’re all set. Sometimes, the opportunity for a post-show meet-and-greet is not publicized, but it is still entirely possible in many cases. Before the show, take a walk around and find the bus. Drop by that area post-show. Musicians are awesome people to talk to.
Note: If you plan on being creepy or anything less than 100% respectful to the band, security, venue staff, your fellow fans, etc., don’t meet the band. Just go home.
Photos: All from my own collection
