*Guilt
Feeling Worse Before You Feel Better
Nicole Reed, author of Ruining Me, stated “ Sometimes the bad things that happen in our life put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” I agree with her because sometimes things does happen so it can make you a better person.
To me, the definition of guilt is when you have wronged someone or is in the wrong and feel horrible about. It doesn’t have to be something that had just occurred. It could be your past-how you regretted doing something in school or treating someone rudely. You can always feel guilty at any time. Guilt can especially come in when you knew that you should’ve done something to fix the problem and you didn’t, or when you see that you hurt someone and they are more hurt than you are angry.
For example, I felt guilty one time when I was in the ninth grade. I felt guilty because I knew how much stress I caused on my mother. I would talk back, not do what she told me to do, and just in general didn’t care what happen to me or anything around me. My right and wrong was all out of wack. I even seen her cry. And seeing your own mother cry will make anybody feel bad. I took her trust for granted and I knew that I had messed up big time. I took advantage of my position in school; I fought a lot, talk back a lot, wasn’t close to God, I was just a mess. I needed help. But like everyone says, “ Things happen for a reason.”
Guilt is just like a smoke alarm. It will beep beep and beep until the smoke is gone or it is turned off. So you can either go and turn the smoke alarm off and still have the smoke problem, which could cause immediate or future harm. Or go to the smoke and face it head on and fix your situation. It might not be fixed immediately but eventually there will be no more smoke.
My mom eventually put me into counseling. At first, I didn’t like it; I mean who would want to express their feelings to a stranger. I know I wouldn’t. Just imagine, having all these secrets and deep feelings that you haven’t told or rarely told anyone and having to explain them to a man that you never have seen before. Also, let’s not forget that your parents are in on the conversation too. After a couple of tries, he barely was getting anywhere. I was letting the smoke alarm keep beeping.
He then asked my mom to leave the room and he flat out asked me, “Do you want to be here?” Because if you don’t, you don’t have to be. If you want to get better and not to get worse-stay but if not, leave.” That really hit hard, for once he asked me a question that I had to think about and had to give an honest opinion over. I had an opportunity to choose what I wanted to do about the smoke. I never really thought about how to deal with the smoke. I was numb to the smoke alarm but once he ask me that question, I heard the beep, beep sound again.
So i had to make a decision. Either to unplug the alarm, which means to deal with the symptoms of anger and depression but not deal with the root of the problem like fatherless or loneliness, or go to counseling and fix the smoke by pulling back the layers, essentially feeling worse before you feel better. I wanted to do something about the smoke this time. I didn't want to unplug it and ignore the fact that there is a problem. I wanted to fix the situation and that was what counseling was for me. It helped me in a way that is weird. It made me feel worse before feeling better.
At first, I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I just sat there, thinking about what was best for me. After some thinking, I came to the conclusion of letting him try to fix me. I thought that I might as well give it a try since my way wasn’t working. After that commitment to putting all my trust into my counselor and letting him do his job, there was significant improvement. Of course, there was some bad days where I relapsed, but the good days outweighed the bad by a long shot. By the time that I was released, I was closer to God, I no longer had anger for everyone in the world, I was a new man. Till this day, I am hesitant to tell this story, but I don’t mind helping a friend in need like I needed. I thank God and Mr. Chism for making me the man that I am today.
