Guilt, The Unweighable Force
The Heaviest of Burdens
Guilt — one of the strongest human emotions. One that can sway your spectrum from full of glee into distraught and despair. Then there is one of the many catalysts for the feeling of guilt. Sin.
My first encounter that I can remember with guilt and sin came in the first grade. Rewinding the clock to my first-grade year we used to have different aisles for food, and in each one you could get cookies and bottled water, but you had to pay for them. One day I thought I would be slick and test my luck at stealing some water. Everything seemed to be going smoothly as I had slipped it into my pocket without being spotted. I checked out my food and walked away thinking what I had done had gone amiss. Then as I began to eat my food I felt a tap on my shoulder, and it was the lunch lady who had seen the water in my pocket confronted me and brought me to my teacher for punishment.
The wave of emotion ran over me, so much so it was as if I were a newborn as I could not speak. I felt my legs tremble and my body chill. I was so ashamed of myself for even thinking that what I was doing was okay. How I allowed myself to become so consumed by my desire that I would steal to get what I wanted.
I was not allowed to attend recces because I would have to call my mom, but I went to try and avoid it as the fear was still washing over me. Yet again I felt as I had snuck by once again until my teacher realized that I was not where I belonged. By the time I made my way to the classroom I was holding back the tears. As soon as my mom’s voice came through the phone the tears began to flow down my face. I could hear the sheer disappointment in her voice, and it tore me to absolute shreds. My first experience with these two aspects had a major impact on my life; it taught me things that I will never forget.
My greatest feeling of guilt came from a couple of months ago.
It all began so innocently. It was early in the month of June and a group of me and my girlfriend Mackenzie’s friends decided we wanted to go on a mini vacation. Well it took some convincing to get our parents to agree to our desire, but eventually they caved and said yes.
We were to be gone for three days and two nights in a hotel in San Marcos. The first day was absolutely fantastic. In addition to being the first day of the vacation it was also me and Mackenzie’s ten-month anniversary. We had a wonderful night laughing and just enjoying each other. Fast forwarding through the following days after we had gone to the lake. It was the end of the vacation we had packed our stuff and hit the road.
I had been driving for about an hour when suddenly I saw some debris in the road. I began to think of ways to get around it. I surveyed my surroundings and saw that I could not go to the other lane as it was blocked by and 18-wheeler. So, I thought the only way to slightly ride the shoulder till I could pass it. As soon as I slightly moved the gravel caught the tires and we began to lose control. I swerved trying to correct the truck but to no avail. I could hear the screams coming from Mackenzie as we careened out of control. The next thing I knew I blacked out. When I we had landed in a ditch between the highways. The next thing I did was completely disregard how I was feeling and immediately pulled Mackenzie from the car. Seeing her be in so much pain and in so much shock sent me to a place I thought that I that I would never return.
I could not sleep for days at a time as I would replay the accident in my mind over and over every time, I closed my eyes. I continued to blame myself day after day. I felt completely responsible for her pain and suffering. I kept telling myself that I could have done something different. Even though her physical pain was more prevalent than mine, but there are no words to describe the mental scars I endured that day.
I relate to millers description of guilt as, “ if aliens were sending transmissions from another planet, telling me there is a right and wrong in the universe”, Because I cannot explain why I felt the way I did through conventional reasons. It was as if something just spoke to me judging my actions and telling me I had made a grave mistake
