I Knew What I Was Doing Wrong —
But I did it anyway
Romans 3:23 states “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I am no different. I have sinned throughout my entire life, even if I cannot remember my early childhood or what I did. I know for a fact, that I have lied to my parents and cheated on school assignments multiple times. However, I do not remember if I felt guilty or not in those situations. Looking back on my life, there is one instance where I sinned and felt very guilty. I will never forget that situation and how I felt afterwards. It has changed me.
It was seventh grade. I was very studious and a straight “A” student. I took pride in my good grades and always being seen as a kind and genuine person by my classmates and teachers. Like any typical English class, we had spelling tests every week. This one particular week, I had loads of homework to do. I tried my very best to finish everything along with studying for my spelling test. The night before the test I remember staying up super late trying to study. I would dose off, trying to memorize spelling words and their definitions, and later wake up right before my head slams on the table in front of me. This lasted the whole night. The next day I was exhausted! It was extremely hard for me to stay awake, and I would doze off in every class. During my spelling test, I was doing perfectly fine remembering everything I studied — until the very last spelling word. I don’t remember what the word was, but I do remember that the word was very simple. For some reason, I just could not remember how to spell it — probably because I was deprived of sleep. I knew the definition, but could not remember the spelling. I thought to myself — in that moment — if I miss this word I’m going to look like a bad student. I truly believed my “A” in English would disappear because of that missed spelling word. With that thought, I glanced over at my neighbor’s test and wrote down the spelling that I saw.
During the whole process, I felt very guilty; but I did it anyway. I felt very guilty the rest of the day. I hated the fact that I cheated on that test, when I saw myself as a good person. That night when I went home, my guilt was so great. I was so guilty that I decided to tell my mom what I did. I cried so much that night, and my guilt had overtaken me. My mom suggested that I tell my English teacher what I did the next day. I felt scared to tell him, but I decided it was the right thing to do. The next day after school, my mom and I went to talk to my English teacher. I felt so ashamed while I told him the entire story. In the end, my teacher was very proud of me for going back and telling him the truth. As a result, he only marked me down on the test as if I got that spelling word wrong. I felt so much better after that. That sort of guilt I have never felt before. As Donald Miller puts it in his book, Blue Like Jazz, “[t]his was a different sort of guilt… It was a heavy guilt…”
I have always experienced some sort of guilt when I sin. “I experience guilt everyday,” confesses a friend. Growing up in the church with a Christian household has helped me learn what right and wrong is. I feel like I’ve always grown up with what’s right and wrong — good and bad. If I did something wrong or bad, I would get in trouble and learn from my mistakes. Generally, with my experiences of sin and guilt, I would say that I knew what I was doing was wrong. In the end, my guilt caused me to do the right thing though.
I believe guilt is only a human feeling and experience. There is no other creature on earth that has ever felt or will feel guilty. Many people believe animals experience guilt, but I do not believe they actually do. I don’t think animals feel sorry for things they do; they just act like they are sorry. When an animal does something wrong and the owner gets mad and punishes it, their reaction is not guilt. I believe the animal just reacts that way as a response to the owner’s attitude and actions. An animal may not have done anything wrong, but if the owner scolds the animal anyway, the animal will react by looking guilty. I believe an animal knows “right” from “wrong,” but when they do the wrong thing; they do not feel guilt. On the other hand, humans know “right” from “wrong,” and when they do the wrong thing they feel guilty — or they should at least.
