Vows and Passion
What do we mean when we say “I love you”?
Love. What is it? How do we know that we love someone? Does love even exist? Is it some Greco-Roman myth that our ancestors just wanted to believe?
As a young impressionable girl, I have been told many things about what romantic love is and is not. From cousins sharing hushed secrets at sleepovers, that it is a kiss. From aunts and uncles, that it is not appearances. From well-meaning Sunday-school teachers, that it is something far away into the future. Once I got a bit older, friends were saying that it is sex. Movies insinuated that it is at first sight, somehow understanding what it is in a split second.
With all of these voices shouting at us to believe what their opinion of “it” is, searching for the truth of what it is is no small feat. Even amidst all this confusion, I think it is possible to find the truth because we have people and tools to guide us in our search for what real, lifelong romantic love is.
I think that there are two major forms of love needed in a healthy marriage. Agape is one kind of love, one that is cherishing and kindness and grace. C.S. Lewis writes on this, saying, “Agape is all giving, not getting.” In a marriage or romantic relationship, this is essential. This love is a deep commitment to your spouse declaring loudly, “I choose you! Forever and always I vow to be at your side.” Another example I see of this kind of love comes from the Bible, in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This signifies how inseparable a couple should be when they are married, the deep devotion and care for each other that they should have, and the selflessness necessary in a marriage.
Once, I asked my mother what love is and how she stayed happy in her marriage with my dad. Her reply to me was,
“Well, love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice.” Her simple statement blew all of my fairytale dreams about love into oblivion.
“What do you mean?” I replied.
“I mean that you don’t always feel like being kind or understanding towards your significant other, but you have to choose to be. You have to choose that you are going to serve them, respect them, and give them everything you have. Relationships are 100/100, not 50/50.”
At this, I began to understand the significance of agape love in marriage. It is a sacred vow, even though sometimes my fleeting emotions will have a deep desire to forsake that vow. However, love is more than emotions. It is a daily choice to set aside your personal preferences so that you can provide what your spouse needs. So, I think that agape love is a necessity within marriage, or else no one would be committed to each other, and it would be very difficult to have trust. With this, it cannot be the only way love is shown in a healthy marriage.
Eros is this other form of love necessary to have a beautiful, God-honoring union. Eros is a passionate, sexual love designed to be shared and enjoyed in the context of marriage. God shows His design for intimacy through His creation in Song of Solomon chapter one, where the bride says, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.” This is an easy reference to what love looks like within marriage, and it shows a glimpse into the privileges shared within such a union. When God created humans, He said to “be fruitful and multiply,” and this command includes sex, which is a sacred and beautiful part of marriage.
God created this love to be shared, enjoyed, and cherished. However, He also put a prerequisite in place to this bond. God makes it very clear in the Bible that we are not designed to have sex before marriage. One of the times this is said is in the very book that also celebrates this part of married life, Song of Solomon. In chapter 2 of this book, the woman says, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” In this context, I believe that the word “love” means acts or thoughts of sexual nature, and I think that where this line is can be somewhat relative (to a certain extent) to each individual. So, God has shown us that there is beauty in the act of sex, but there are also rules He has in place to keep us healthy and safe, both mentally and spiritually.
This is what I believe love to be. I believe it to be agape and eros, vows and passion. Love is not easy, it never has been. Love can be messy and confusing and scary. But, Christ has set a beautiful example of ultimate love for us to reflect on and try to imitate. He loved us so dearly that He laid down His life for us to be in a relationship with Him. So, when we are utterly confused and disoriented, we can know that Christ is willing and able to help us through the wild ways of love.
