1773 Days — Moving on

1173th day — Fireflies lit the street around us. I watched them curiously through tears. They were there to tell me, “This is the end of this chapter. It’s time for a new beginning.”

I’ll see you soon.

Bye.

New Beginning: Day 1 —I woke up with swollen eyes. The world was gray. The air nonexistent. Disbelief clouded my brain as I desperately grasped for something, anything, to make me feel normal. This was a pain I’d never felt, I had no tools to combat it. Nothing in my arsenal to work through it. I had to mold new tools out of the scraps that were left in the pit of my stomach. No appetite. For food, water, life.

numbness

Day 2 — Everything reminds me of you. My house. My hobbies. My neighborhood and the streets we walked. The smell of cologne. I won’t eat meals for at least fourteen more days. “Soft foods, darling.” I’m trying. How silly it is to stop eating, but I can’t eat when I’m distressed. How stupid this all sounds. How positively ridiculous. I can’t help it, this is my first experience with heartbreak. Nightmares make sure sleep is no longer my safe haven. The split second upon waking before I remember makes sleep even less bearable. Once I remember again it hits me even harder than before. How unexpected this all was, but I knew it would happen at some point. I fought it with the core of my being. I lived in fantasy land. Because we were happy.

Day 3 - ? — All the same. All colorless. All painful. “You’re alive. You’re okay. You’re blessed.” I say to myself. I think of all the moments we won’t have together again and I breakdown. I question if I’ll ever find someone who I can connect with in the same way. My anonymous Twitter is littered with lame and depressing tweets about my daily thoughts. “What’s the point of opening yourself up to someone and sharing your life with them if it hurts too much once they’re gone?” They told me the only thing that helps is time, but that was a maddening thought. Even if it was true.

I want what’s best for you, I always have. I want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest. Break free from the things that hold you back. . . please.

Day 14 - ? — Healing. Turn poison into medicine.

“It is crucial that you become strong. If you are strong, even your sadness will become a source of nourishment, and the things that make you suffer will purify your lives.” — Daisaku Ikeda

I clung to these words, I lived by them. I let myself feel every ounce of sadness that I had in me and tried to flush out my wounds with saltwater. I did emotional pull ups and learned to depend on myself, trusting that I had the strength inside of me to overcome any obstacle.

Day 67 — Time has indeed helped, but making an effort to strengthen all other relationships in my life has helped me grow and heal. I’m grateful to everyone who’s been there for me and who loves me. Long car rides, phone calls, late night Skype chats, text messages to check in have meant the world to me.

I’m stronger and I’m happy.

May 28, 2017 — Quebec, Canada