How to Shave Your Legs in Just Four Days
It’s summertime! And you know what that means: sunshine, swimming, and skirts and shorts. If you’re like me (an over-the-hill hag who likes to let herself go in the winter, but is too ashamed to let her frizzy lizzies out au naturel in summer) you’re eager to bear your bare legs to the world, but not so eager at the idea of shaving your legs for the first time in, well, a while.
But not to worry! I am experienced in the ways of the shaving of the legs. And with my help, you can save time and risk of injury with this useful guide to How to Shave Your Legs in Just Four Days.
Okay, so start, I want to tackle a common misconception. Many women believe, and are explicitly taught, that legs can be shaved in the shower in just one session. This is a lie that has lead to uncountable mistakes, cuts, and broken hearts and unfulfilled promises. It is impossible to shave your legs in any fewer than four days. Here’s how to do it:
Day 1
The Basic Shave.
The first go at it. Uncap your new razor, rinse yourself off, slather your legs with shave cream and have at it! Slowly, with a steady hand, more gently than you think you need to, drag your razor along the surface of your skin, being careful not to go against the grain of the hair. Rinse off the razor as needed. Make sure you’re seeing to every part of the leg, including: your calves, the sides of your calves, the front of your calves, and the ridge of your calf bones. Rinse your legs, dry, and rub with your favorite lotion to prevent shave bumps. Silky smooth!
Day 2
The Thinking Woman’s Shave
But wait! Don’t slip into those cutoffs just yet. We’re only just getting started! Rub your legs together — feel good? Now rub your hand up and down the most forgotten part of the calf — the back! Notice the long, two-inch-wide strip at the back of your calf that you completely missed last time? That’s what we’re hitting today. Upcap your razor, wet your legs, slather on shave cream, and prop your leg up on the side of the tub so you can really see what you’re doing. Go over the part you did yesterday, but this time, make sure to get the back of the calves — not just the side-back but the middle-back. When you’ve cut through the cloud of shaving cream, notice another part you missed yesterday: the ankles! See the sporadic, dense, curly hairs springing from the side of your ankle all desert-undergrowth-y and pube-like. Gently go over that with the razor, as well, being careful not to nick your blade on any of the weird angles. Rinse, pat dry, and rub down with your favorite lotion to prevent shave bumps.
Day 3
The Laureate Shave
Seems like a good day to go out in that minidress, right? Wrong. Have a look at yourself in the mirror — what are you forgetting? Those two hairy hubcaps front and center. Most women have knees, which do indeed need to be shaved if one is prescribing to the shaved-leg regimen. Do the thing you did yesterday, only on your knees, also being extra careful not to nick your skin on any of the weird angles. But before you rinse your blade and decide you’re done for the day, think! Think about what you learned yesterday! The knees have hair on the backs of them as well. It is soft and downy, like an aerial view of a newborn baby’s head. All soft and fontanelle-esque, tender as you please. Get ye to it!
Day 4
The Off-the-Charts Genius Shave. No one in known history had ever remembered to shave this on first go.
On the fourth day, remember that there is more to the leg than the calf and knee. You always knew this — only you didn’t really know it, did you? Quite alright. None of us do. Do your thing with the shaving cream, or gel, or oil, or whatever. Do it really slowly and with care. Wonder why the skin here is so sensitive. Wonder how it got to be so weird and coarse and dark. Dispense with the lotion, because there is no point, and no matter what you do, all of these hairs will be ingrown next week and irritated all summer. Tell yourself you’ll remember to shave it better next time — be wrong.
