The Passive-Aggressive 10 Commandments

I’m not saying any of this is happening, except that it totally is.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”

1 Heyyyy, remember Egypt? Remember how it was shit when you were there, and now you’re not there, and it’s thereby less shit? …well, and I don’t mean to put too fine a point on it, but please try to keep in mind that I was the one who brought you out of it. Blood on the door? Parting the sea? HI! All Me. Only Me. I’m not a god. I’m actually the god. Capital-G God.

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.”

2 Also— I’m sorry if this wasn’t not clear — and it’s really fine, this is just for next time — but you know you can’t make any other gods, right? Like, I made you in my image and likeness — I make people. People don’t make “gods.” Making new things is My thing. You guys can have another thing. We’ll figure it out. We’ll work it out!

“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”

3 Question — strictly hypothetical — say I was walking through the desert, walking walking, and all of the sudden I step on this scorpion and I say the worst thing that comes to my mind — the ultimate expression of terrible pain and shittiness — and the first thing I think is MOSES! “EARTHLY MOSES, that hurts!” Pretty shitty, right? Pretty insulting that the worst thing I think to say is YOUR name. That would suck, right? That your name is basically synonymous with a curse? Hmmmmmm. Something to think about.

“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work…. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”

4 No, that’s fine. No need to call me up. No need to come around and visit old God. Sure, I made you, but listen: I only asked for Friday. But I geeeet it! Hey! I’m cool! God’s cool! I was young once, I know how it be. You’re busy Friday. I’ve got plans, too. It’s whatever. We don’t have to hang out every weekend.

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”

5 Actually, I’m hanging out with your parents on Friday. They don’t care either. They don’t care that you don’t come over. We’re going to play the Yahtzee and it will be fun and we probably don’t have enough pita chips for you anyway.

“You shall not murder.”

6 *casually drops rockslide on your tent* Ohhh, is that your tent? That must be awful, huh? Having this thing that you just made ruthlessly destroyed? Oh, well. I just thought we’re all doing that now. We’re all just doing that now. Right? That’s what we do now. We just take other peoples’ creations and we break them. We destroy them. That is the culture that has been created by some people around here.

You shall not commit adultery.

7 If Aaron’s going to be staying here five nights a week, he needs to start paying utilities.

“You shall not steal.”

8 I mean I wish you’d stop taking other people’s shit, but I can’t fucking stop you.

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”

9 Can you not?

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

10 We’re obviously all adults here. Obviously I don’t expect you to be perfect all the time, obviously. Except that some of us might sometimes be — and I’m not naming names, here — jealous, much? And when that happens, it creates a toxic environment. Everyone’s nastiness just spills over and it makes it hard to get shit done. Again, now saying it’s happening now, but wanting his tracts of land or his wife’s… tracts of land or his goat or whatever? Guys, it’s super-negative and super-unproductive. Can we all just agree to cut back on the bullshit?

Can we?

Can we please?