How I’m ADHD-Proofing My Goals in 2023

In early 2022 I was diagnosed with ADHD. Learning (and unlearning) so much about myself this year was a huge step for becoming a less anxious, more effective person. While I could talk at length about the many ways my life changed since my diagnosis, I’m going to focus on one today: defining and embracing what “success” looks like for me.

Prior to learning that my brain just didn’t function neurotypically, I set the goal posts for success extremely high. You know the saying: Aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. But unfortunately, that has proved impossible for me (not just because of my brain, but also because the stars are about eight times farther away from Earth than the moon).

The pattern was the same every time: I’d set a new goal, practice it perfectly for a week (if I was lucky), and then either forget or lose all executive function. I’d drop the ball. Once my perfect streak was broken, the goal lost all its shimmer and I abandoned it entirely, all the while beating myself up for failing at yet another attempt to better myself. I was just lazy.

Sound familiar?

Learning I had ADHD opened the door to healing my perfectionism, and allowing myself to readjust my internal standards. It’s been a work in progress, and there have been many setbacks, but I’m slowly starting to find ways to accept my own mental quirks and be gentler with myself. The best part? It turns out setting reasonable goals and not succumbing to guilt and shame helps accomplish more than my perfectionism ever could!

Here’s how I’m ADHD-proofing my goals in 2023 by redefining “success” in the new year:

1. Success Is “Doing ” Instead of “Perfecting”

The unhappy human condition is that we can imagine “perfect” a lot better than we can do “perfect.” And when “perfect” requires flawless consistency, strict routines, or an impeccable memory, well, that pretty much ensures it stays in the realm of the imaginary for anyone with ADHD.

But what if success didn’t require perfection, but rather just action? What if success was just doing a thing when I remembered to do it, instead of doing it every day (until I inevitably forgot)? What if I set reasonable alternatives for those low-energy days, instead of committing to an all-or-nothing approach?

Example 2023 Goal: Instead of promising myself to take the nine different supplements I’ve got in my medicine cabinet every day, I’m going to try and take one a day. It might be the vitamin D capsule, or the potassium pill, or the fish oil tablet. Some days I’ll get all nine in, but on days where I can’t make myself do the whole routine, my body will at least get a little more than it would if I quit altogether after a week because I wasn’t perfect.

2. Success Is Inclusion Instead of Exclusion

A lot of our ideas of self-discipline, health, and wellness center around excluding things from our life: drink less caffeine, watch less television, eat fewer carbs, spend less money. And in some cases, these are definitely useful suggestions. However, excluding things categorically just to meet a general goal of “self-improvement” can do more harm than good. This is especially true for ADHD people who already suffer from dopamine deficiencies.

So instead of focusing on removing things from my life, I’m going to be focusing on adding good, healthful things. What could I include in my daily routine, in my weekly habits, in my diet, or in my media consumption that would get me excited and meet my physical, emotional, or intellectual needs? What if I included so much good stuff, I incidentally dropped some of the not-as-good stuff to make room for it?

Example 2023 Goal: Instead of deciding to cut out meat altogether from my diet, I’m focusing on finding delicious, colorful, and interesting vegetarian recipes to make for dinner. Not only is cleanup generally easier, but I also get to experiment with new preparation and cooking techniques, try new flavors and seasonings, and explore different regional cuisines… all huge positives for me! Incidentally, I’m eating less meat throughout the week and getting more fiber, vitamins, and minerals into my diet!

3. Success Is Not Moral and Failure Is Not Immoral

In our culture, we tend to equate success with morality. Good people work hard, are disciplined, and succeed at their jobs and relationships. Financial or career hardships are treated by many as indicative of moral failings. Internalizing this message, especially as an ADHD person for whom some things are more difficult, is a quick way to feel like a bad, lazy, or unmotivated person, even when you’re trying your best.

It took me a long time to begin to unlink the concepts of success and morality, and it’s something I’m still working on. In reality, success (whatever that means to you) isn’t inherently moral, and failure is not inherently immoral. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard says: “Sometimes you can do everything right, and still lose.” Uncoupling morality from success has given me greater freedom to try new things, forgive myself for making mistakes, and walk away from things that no longer serve me.

Example 2023 Goal: For the holidays this year, I bought myself and my partner matching fuzzy onesies with the words “Lump Day” embroidered on the back. “Being a lump” is what we call having a low-energy, mopey day. Those onesies are funny, but also do something very important: they give us explicit permission (both from ourselves and from each other) to have lump days and not feel like bad people because of it.

4. Success Is Internal Instead of External

Finally, I realized that I put a lot of pressure on appearing successful. I compare myself to others constantly, even to hypothetical versions of myself! What else can you expect from a former gifted kid whose value was defined by how impressive they were to the adults in the room? Not only that, but ADHD can make me very distraction prone: What are others doing? How are they doing it? Should I be doing it that way?

What would happen if I measured my successes by how they made me feel inside? Asking myself this question made me realize that I didn’t even know what my personal metric for success was. I’m still building that metric, but so far it includes questions like: Does this feel good? Do I gain energy from this? Does this decrease my anxiety? Do I want to do it again?

Example 2023 Goal: I am friends with a lot of authors, poets, screenwriters, and journalists. I also publish books for a living. So I’m constantly comparing myself to other writers, worried I’m not writing enough. But this year I’m going to refocus that anxiety-inducing metric of success and write when I feel like it. I’m going to write imperfectly, just for myself, just on the off chance that someone will stumble upon an article that resonates. If working that muscle helps me focus on my novel, that’s great! But in 2023, the goal is to feel good after having written something I’m proud of, not publication. That will be success.

These redefinitions of success can be helpful to anyone, but especially to folks with ADHD. We get to make the rules we live by, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we will find freedom and peace. May 2023 bring light and joy and focus and dopamine, and may you be gentle with yourself as you move through the world. Happy New Year!