Like Sands Through The Hourglass
I have a vivid memory from when I was in kindergarten…
It is a memory of unconventional story time; unconventional because we weren’t gathered as a group in story corner. Instead, I had created my own story and didn’t even know it.
I had a boy crawl to the opposite end of the table we were under (why we were under there I do not know.) Once there, I specifically instructed him to s l o w l y crawl towards me, as I would to him, and when we met in the middle we would embrace in a kiss.
Despite the poor boys confusion, and me insisting we start over multiple times until it was perfect, we flawlessly executed this plan I had laid out in my mind.
I was 5 years old.
It was not obvious to me when I was 5 years old that the detail with which I planned and acted out that scene with my kindergarten peer was not considered “developmentally appropriate” at that age.
As I got older I often reflected on this, and many other memories, with intense shame; the shame others projected onto me about my choices, my relationships, my sexual experiences… my life.
I am the youngest of three; my older sisters are 8 and 14 years older than me, respectively. The eldest moved away for university when I was 4, and the age difference with my closest sister was a giant chasm when I was small. As a result, I spent a lot of time with my Mom doing the things she enjoyed.
Growing up, my Mom religiously watched her favourite soap opera, Days of Our Lives. She never missed an episode, often taping them onto a VHS to watch later if she was going to be away when it aired on TV.
I grew up watching this.
The Wikipedia definition of a Soap Opera states:
A soap opera, daytime drama, or soap for short, is typically a long-running radio or television serial, frequently characterized by melodrama, ensemble casts, and sentimentality.
As a woman in my mid 40’s who has just discovered my own neuro-differences, I have been given the gift of a new lens by which to reflect on memories from my past.
That 5 year old with the elaborate plan to have a romantic kiss with her kindergarten crush?
I wasn’t a deviant, I was simply mimicking scripts from Days of Our Lives as a way to socially camouflage.
I knew I was different, I was desperate to be accepted, and so I created social scripts for myself based on interactions I had observed between fictional characters.
Discovering that I am neurodiverse, AuDHD to be exact, has allowed me to see that I have been struggling to fit into a world not designed for me. I have spent so much of my life trying to make sense of why others judged me so harshly, imposed shame for my actions, and why I always felt like I was doing everything wrong.
Neurodiversity has allowed me to not only understand my differences, but embrace the parts of me that others do not (nor wish to) understand.
My AuDHD has allowed me to finally accept myself and see my true worth. I can forgive that 5 year old girl that didn’t know how else to fit in, because she wasn’t old enough to realize that she was born to stand out.
Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of my neurodiverse life.
