A Stoic Mind Tested
If we are emotional, subjective and shortsighted, we only add to our troubles
— Ryan Holiday
The following is straight from my daily journal:
Primo, today I faced some of my fears. It makes me very uncomfortable talking to strangers mostly because I don’t know what to say or it might bore them. Two days ago a girl in a local store sold me something, and apparently, she made a lasting impression, so I decided with the next chance I get I go to her and ask her out for coffee or drinks. Long story short, she wasn’t in today, but one of her colleagues said I should check the next day or so. I didn’t tell the colleague why I wanted to speak to her, but it took some courage to ask whether she was in or not, and more importantly I am 100% sure that I would have asked her if she was.
I tried a little self-talk all the way to the store, reminding me that there is nothing she could say that would upset, hurt or surprise me anyway.
Why? I am glad you asked:
A) External things, things that are outside my control can’t hurt me because they are not in my control and
B) there are only two possible outcomes to that scenario: She can say yes or no, and either way I prepared myself for each answer.
Why then would it surprise me? Does her reason for saying no change anything about me? No, it does not. Does it keep me from being happy? Why would it?! I am still the same person.
So, nothing could prevent me from being fine if she declined to go out with and nothing would change me if she said yes. My day would still be ok, filled with important things to accomplish. I’d still eat a healthy lunch afterward and concentrate on my work and the things that are in my control. How I response to each situation it totally up to me, not to her, not to anyone.
Secundo, my ex-girlfriend told me that she wants to move out of the apartment, possible very soon even though we agreed to stay living in our two-bedroom apartment (for convenience — nothing more). Did it surprise me? I have to admit that it did because I did not prepare for it. In Stoic terms, I did not foresee this event. After she had told me her intentions, thoughts started running through my head: “Why is she doing this? What are her real reasons?” etc. At the same time, my Stoic mind kicked in and calmed me down. For one why does it concern me what she wants to do? It is her decision alone. I have no say in this (anymore), and this is not so bad because if she moves out and I can afford the place on my own, I have more room and more freedom to do what I want. Less money, yes of course but as long as money is not a big issue why bother with it.
I accept that this is a new test … something that wants to see how stoic I am and I choose to see it as an opportunity to improve myself.
