The four statements from conversations that don’t end very well that I want to challenge
“It was just a joke. You need to relax.”
“This is not my problem. It doesn’t concern me.”
“I am not a feminist. Feminists are prejudiced.”
“Why choose equal representation over merit?”
We have all either catalyzed these statements, been at their receiving end, or wiretapped from a distance ー voluntarily or not.
The subject in discussion here is complex.
Sexism. Misogyny. Bias.
Are these grey zones? ー Hey, it’s not harassment, after all. “Should I be offended? I am confused. How do I react?”
Or are these just big words?
Well, these might still be grey zones for a lot of us but is equally unacceptable as harassment is and yes, these are big words but the issues under it are bigger ー ingrained, conditioned, and cannot be annihilated by a single conversation.
Wait, it cannot even be mildly dislodged by a few tens of conversations. Its origins are crisscrossed, its several branches a labyrinth.
People. History. Language. Breeding. Education. Cinema. Workplace. The 18-year old boy whose mentor thinks periods are a “taboo and disgusting” and who thought so too. The girl who is told she takes jokes (“patronizing” jokes) very seriously and thus kept quiet. Peer pressure. The media. The family. The circle.
They are all guilty. They are all responsible for its origin. You are. I am. Our conscious and unconscious biases are. We are guilty when we are not speaking up, not disagreeing, being accomplices, being first-movers.
And wait, the bias and sexism are not just about binary genders. There are several axes within which this should be discussed ー there are various forms of social stratification within its purview apart from gender ーsexual orientation, non-binary genders, and class to name a few.
I’d take a segue now to move on to the statements you read at the beginning of this post. The statements I want to challenge. Let’s understand why they are wrong and what you can do about it ー all of you ー if you have said it, had it pointed back at you or heard it as a passing comment.
“It was just a joke. You need to relax.”
If you are the one who finds yourself saying this a lot, you need to stop. If your “joke” is making even one person in the room uncomfortable, stop. If it has to do with gender, class, or someone’s sexual orientation, then please, please stop. What is funny, a joke, and in good humor for you, can create a feeling of exclusion for someone else.
Ever heard of casual sexism? They are “minor/subtle sexist remarks” that can later go ahead to create power imbalances between genders. You triggered this and didn’t notice? Stop now.
If you are the one who is on the receiving end of this, there would have been times when your outrage or even a mild disappointment against a patronizing joke or a condescending remark got conveniently masked behind the pretext of being just a joke. Are you confused and unsure — thinking it’s your fault — your “imposter syndrome” acting up? Speak up. If not at the person who said it, bring this up with people you trust, to begin with. It’s not your fault. It never was.
“This is not my problem. It doesn’t concern me.”
It does. Sexism, misogyny, and bias are not a women rights issue alone. It’s about human rights. Parents, schools, and cinema perpetuate the idea that “Boys don’t cry and girls are soft.” High schools shame survivors as “sluts”. Misogynism is normalized in “locker rooms” and “smoke breaks.” As a parent, as a friend, as an organization, as a co-worker — it’s everybody's problem and we are all equal stakeholders. Still not too sure how exactly you can help?
#1 Be aware. Test your biases. I recently attended a gender equations programme and was baffled by how non-inclusive my language was. Folks instead of guys. They instead of he/she. Partner instead of husband/wife. Small and trivial? No. Gender-neutral language matters. Words matter. They impact how you think which in turn impacts how you act.
Like mine, whatever you biases are ー big or small, be open to testing them. Acknowledge. Listen. Participate. Don’t dismiss. Apologize for your biases. We are all learning.
#2 Own your privilege, whatever it is.
If you are a man, please kindly accept that you have things easy than other genders. If you are reading this and going TF, please hit search on “patriarchy” ー look at the gender roles at your own home. If you are a woman, know that you have it easier than transwomen or genderqueer.
#3 Speak up. Voice out. Back up those who do.
Don’t be the accomplice ー silent at a sexist remark during a lunch conversation. Don’t participate ー laughing, nodding, or not expressing disapproval towards bias is equivalent to encouraging it. Speak up. That’s the most powerful weapon you can hold. Back up your friends, colleagues, family, and acquaintances who voice out. This is a movement that needs more voices, more discussion, more ownership, more strong friendships ー a tribe hoisting its flag high amidst the incorrigible storm.
“I am not a feminist. Feminists are misandrists.”
No. Feminists are NOT misandrists ー not prejudiced against men. No. This is not about men. Don’t make it about them. Feminism is about equal rights and opportunities. Don’t get it? I’ll keep it short. Give yourself 30 minutes. Watch Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “We should all be feminists.” or read the 52-page book.
“Why choose equal representation over merit?”
We have all heard it and said it. In hiring. While organizing events. In debates, discussions, and conversations. I have thought about it too. Meritocracy is great but can create many imbalances when used as the only filter. Breeding and education are two experiences that are never the same for two people. We all don’t start from the same place with the same circumstances. Equal representation wants to solve that ー level the playing field ー across axes of gender, disabilities, class, religion, creed, and more. Enter, equity ー providing everyone with what they need to be successful. This could be a job, a seat at a panel, a voice during a discussion. Equal representation > merit. More coming up on this subject soon, in a separate post.
Let’s do small acts of inclusivity, everyday.
Make your pronouns about “they”. Embrace different races, class, and gender in your character design and illustration voice ー design mirrors our world. Get conscious about benevolent sexism ー compliments originated from stereotypes. Don’t ask women how they balance home and work. Don’t tell men they are too busy to do any household chores.
Let’s do this. Yes, we can. Yes, we should.
