Breaking Headlines, Vol. 2

Not-So-Kind Critic Plans to Release Fictional Political Thriller

In case you’re not sure, the not-so-kind critic is me. I’m planning to retire early from my blogs (including this very one!), as well as from all other non-essential activities in my life, in order to concentrate on crafting my first fictional novel.

Everyone keeps talking about President Donald Trump’s tweets, so I became inspired and started writing a book. Here is an excerpt from the novel (untitled at the moment):

“Tommy Rogers knew he had to do something. Rogers was a white man. Donald Trump was a white man. Rogers was a racist. Trump was a racist. But if Rogers assassinated Trump, he would be a good white man and a good racist. This would presumably open up a lot of good opportunities for Rogers, particularly in the deception, coercion, and ego-boosting industries.”

I realize this passage needs a ton of work, but that raw excerpt’s what you get when you take pure inspiration from today’s hot political climate.

U.S. House of Representatives Passes Resolution Against Persistent Racial Residential Segregation

I’m sorry. The other headlines in “Breaking Headlines, Vol. 2” are serious, but this one is satirical and, therefore, not true (or breaking, for that matter). I accidentally included it. Now, you might say, “Why don’t you just delete this headline, not to mention this driveling text below it, instead of going ahead and publishing it along with the legitimate *breaking* headlines?” Well, the truth is I still like satire, even in today’s hot political climate, so there! This headline stays even though it’s not factual in the slightest. Go fondle yourselves!

Today’s Hot Political Climate Breaks Record Temperatures

I don’t know about you, but I start sweating from anger and anticipation when I attempt to engage in the popular sport of U.S. politics. I envy all the U.S. politicians and citizens who can keep slugging away at the issues (e.g., Trump’s tweets, one’s own feelings about Trump’s tweets, others’ opinions about Trump’s tweets, etc.), cause I’m burning up.

At the same time, I do feel informed about current events.

Man on Twitter Feels Women Should Not Show Their Cleavage

Can you believe this dude? Can you believe he created an account on Twitter? Can you believe he typed that opinion about women not showing their cleavage? Can you believe he submitted that tweet for the world to see? Can you believe people retweeted, liked, and responded to his tweet? Can you believe I saw his tweet? Can you believe I’m talking about his tweet?

I mean, I could be talking about anything else. I could be talking about another fascinating item, like this bad boy of a story here:

Bigoted Running Back Refuses to Accept Hand-Off from Discriminatory Quarterback During Unofficial Summer Practice

Tensions remain on the battlefield we call a football field. More about this intriguing tale once I figure out why women shouldn’t show their cleavage.