I’m Smarter Than You

A sit down with my iPhone

So, you think you’re so damn smart, don’t you? You think you know me so well? Well, guess what iEnstein, you don’t. If you think you’re so smart and know me so well, then why can’t you tell when I’m trying to type “of” instead of “if”. Got you there didn’t I?! You are the same genius that won’t even let me properly curse. What the “duck” is wrong with you, gadget? Get your head out of your “gas”.

And another thing… let me go on record by saying that the day you stop trying to be so damn smart and just let my music truly shuffle, I’ll give in and high five you. Stop trying to learn my listening habits. All you’re doing is forcing me into you’re redundant listening habit. Just because I listen to one or two songs more than once, it doesn’t mean that those songs need to be thrown at me whenever you choose. I’ll be the one to control the party in my ear holes, thank you.

Seriously, I am smarter than you. I’ll admit, you have shocked me a couple of times. Like that time I asked you where I could find the best place to hide a body. You answered in you’re oh-so-sexy robot voice, “would you like the nearest swamp, forest or foundry?” Yeah, you got me there. But, just because you were programmed with a little unsuspecting wit, it doesn’t mean you can outsmart me. Hey, remember that time I asked you to guide me to the nearest Pizza Hut and you sent me 10 miles in the wrong direction to a place where there wasn’t a single restaurant? Remember that one, Genius Bar? The area was better suited for hiding that body we talked about.I could have found better directions by looking at where the moss is growing on trees or using a set of divining rods.

Don’t you worry though, my precious little gadget. I adore you. Hell, I’ll go ahead and say it, I need you, But don’t let it go to your head. As long as you know that I am in charge, you and I will be fine. Just keep things simple and provide me with accurate directions, keep my tunes going, make the calls I need you to make, send and receive speedy text messages and emails and keep me entertained. In return, I will keep you safe in a sleek but sturdy case, keep your screen nice and clean and keep you charged and free of blemishes. We can do this as long as we both know our places in this relationship. I’m willing to work on it if you are.

Thank you for listening. I think we made a real turn here.

Now, lets go have some make up sex.