Let Me Go Ahead And Tell You Why Halloween Sucks
It’s certainly not what it used to be.
I think it’s safe to say that Halloween has pretty much jumped the shark. Year after year, this country drives this stupid calander day into the ground. Adults have ruined it to the point of no return and it should be cancelled immediately.
As a kid, I never really got into the whole Halloween thing. All my classmates would plan their Batman or truck driver costumes weeks in advance. They would build up the suspense and tension for the big moment when they could cover their faces with a mask that not only cut all visability, but it also made breathing next to impossible. Not to mentions the flaking, toxic Chinese paint they used to color them. And don’t forget that god damn rubber band. Kids were constatly screaming in agony because that rubber band that holds the mask on would break and nearly cut an eyeball open.
I never got it. Once I ran through all four Kiss members, I lost interest. Just look at that kid up there in that picture. That’s me. Devil horns and all. I was pretty much the baddest ass in elementary school. I also tried dressing as Evel Kinievel one year, but all that did was yield an incident that resulted in a wicked case of road rash on my thigh. I was Evel Kinievel for God’s sake, I was going to make a record setting jump. But, I missed my landing while jumping my bike over a pile of railroad ties and landed in a heap on the gravel driveway. If I could have only seen what I was doing with that stupid mask on, I know I could have landed it.
I also hated the fact that October 31st in Michigan was always quite cold. Every kid had the annual argument with their parents about having to wear a giant parka and snow pants with moon boots under their costume. Nothing ruins the look you’re going for like piling on layers of winter clothes. Kids would walk up to a house to ge their treats looking like a fat Strawberry Shortcake or a rotund Mork from Ork.
Trick or treating is seriously one of the craziest and most unsafe things a parent can allow their child to do. Think about it. You put your kid in an outfit that they can’t breathe in, they are sweating to death under the layers upon layers of polar grade clothing under their plastic costume, then they are sent into the dark streets to play Frogger with traffic and go to stranger’s homes and ask for candy that hopefully isn’t poisoned with aspesdos. And another thing, has anyone checked the child molester list for the neighborhood? Nothing gets a creeper off like a little game of dress up. The whole thing is terrifying.
It’s not just the dangers and the kids costumes that make Halloween ridiculous. Adults carry their fair share of the blame as well. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. Halloween should be renamed Dress Like A Filthy Whore Day. Seriously, what gives? Adult women just love the idea of dressing like a slutty nurse, or a slutty lady cop, or my favorite, the slutty angel. Walking around in October with half of your ass hanging out? Thats a good way to catch a cold.
Don’t get too comfortable, fellas. Men are just as bad. God forbid you go anywhere and run into a man that is in half way decent shape. He is likely dressed up for his big day of “hey, look at me” as the burley cave man. Real original, bro.
I also love the people that theme their costume around whatever pop culture event is going on around them. Judging by the number of pictures that I’ve seen on Facebook, everyone now thinks they are Miley Cyrus.Men and women alike are all dressing like this tonguetard. The same people that trashed her for her performance are now paying homage to her by dressing like her.
Listen here, adults, if you are insisting on dressing up, put some thought, originality and time into it. Pee Wee Herman is not a good costume. Burt Reynolds, also not a good costume. The cast of Pulp Fiction? You think that’s never been done? Not even in the nineties? It has been done so knock it off.
Originality is a big problem with this so called holiday, but here is nothing worse than an adult in a poorly done Halloween costume. I’m sure you were spending all of those hours, painstakingly applying make up and tearing holes in your clothes, thinking you could be in a Hollywod horror film and thinking this is going to be the year that you win that $25 gift certificate to Buck’s Roadhouse when you take first prize at their costume contest. Not so much, Freddy Kruger. If you don’t take the time and put some real effort into it, you are just going to look like a creepy clown with cracking make up and a bear soaked, torn up shirt.
Halloween is pointless, but there is one thing that I truly get a kick out of every year. I love going to work and trying to pick out the coworkers that were at costume parties over the weekend. It’s easy to spot them. They are the ones that have an odd blue hue to their skin because their Blue Man Group make up has penetrated their pores. Or, you can find someone that still has a little bit of green Hulk makeup behind their ear. The best are the people that have had the inside of their mouth torn to bits by those tortuous plastic, glow in the dark Dracula teeth. Good luck eating lunch.
So, as you can probably tell, I will not be dressing up for the so called holiday. Dressing as Kiss at my age as I did in kindergarten would only get me laughed at. Nope. Instead, I will be dressing my daughter in a safe, well ventilated but warm costume that is cute, age appropriate and allows her to see clearly. We will be trick or treating in a neighborhood free of creeps and kidiphiles, and we will be abiding by all traffic and pedestrian laws. Follow my lead, people. I’m doing it right. Do us all a favor and stay out of costume if you are an adult and keep your kids safe. For reals.
